


and my fading voice sings of love

by bugmadoo



Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, Future Fic, M/M, Marriage, Marriage Counselling, Non-Linear Narrative, Relationship Problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2016-10-07
Packaged: 2018-06-08 06:30:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 32,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6842848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bugmadoo/pseuds/bugmadoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Were some storms simply not meant to be survived but designed to strip you of everything and anything? Or did they just require entirely new methods of surviving them?<br/>Mike is scared when he realizes he’s not sure of the answer.</p><p>Marital Problems AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. intro

**Author's Note:**

> My first proper multi-chapter fic!! I'm very excited to go on this journey (as cliché as that sounds). Many thanks to Ashley for her help with every aspect of this story!! The rating is going to change in later chapters
> 
> Title comes from the song [Grace](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3adFWKE9JE) by Jeff Buckley / Inspired by A Fruitless Year by everythursday
> 
> here we go

Edith Ross has always been a woman full of wisdom. Ever since Mike could remember – and that was a really long time – she had a piece of advice for every situation he ever found himself in, no matter how simple or precarious. Even if they often didn’t see eye to eye, he (almost) always had to admit that she had been right with whatever she had told him. She was his only constant his entire life, the one person he went to no matter what had happened. Mike liked to think it would have been this way even if she hadn’t been his only living relative he had ever since he was eleven.

He didn’t know how or when Grammy got so wise, but looking back now Mike knows that she had always given him the best advice. If he could go back, Mike would never take that for granted, but time had the funny habit of being linear and non-reversible.

Even now, almost six years after he lost her, her death is still something he struggles with, some days more than others. It’s worse on the days he wishes he could ask for her thoughts on whatever was gnawing away at his mind, days like today. Or the entire last month.

One of Grammy’s favorite metaphors had always been the one about the calm after the storm. Mike learned early in life that the cyclical nature of storms didn’t stop for him, and somehow his life kept proven the saying was true. It was oddly comforting to have a routine, however vague it might be. He had weathered a great deal of storms so far – storms in the form or car accidents or best friends. Storms in the form of death and loss, love and passion. It was true what they said, the quiet of the aftermath always settled in eventually and with it came some kind of peace that made fixing the mess worth it – that made the entire cycle worth it. Mike had more than survived so far, managing one hurricane after the other and confirming what his grandmother had always said. In the later years of his life he had found that being able to kiss his husband at the end of the day _definitely_ made the cycle worth it. At least, it used to.

Lately however, doubt and reservation is clinging to him, digging its claws deeper and deeper into his skin, leaving marks all over his body and sometimes even drawing drops of blood. Is a person really able to survive all storms in their life? Or are some storms just so strong that there is no coming back from them no matter how much hard you fight to get through them? Storms that uproot the oldest of trees, that force entire rivers out of their beds and destroy everything in their wake. Storms so fierce and strong that they move entire houses from Kansas to the Land of Oz. But then again, even Dorothy had found her way home in the end, hadn’t she?

Were some storms simply not meant to be survived but designed to strip you of everything and anything? Or did they just require entirely new methods of surviving them?

Mike is scared when he realizes he’s not sure of the answer.

 

**2012**

“Hardman is awesome,” Mike says, bursting into Harvey’s office and it takes him a moment to realize that it’s not just Harvey sitting at his desk but there’s also Jessica standing right in front of him. Mike immediately pauses, still not sure what ground he is on with her now that she knows. She gives him one of her signature looks that he can never read because there seem to be so many facets of emotion dancing around her eyes and that look is probably the reason his mouth starts talking before his brain has time to catch up. He rambles about omelet bars for the associates and Mike is glad to see that apparently Jessica takes it as her cue to leave. Mike is pretty sure he’s never going to figure out what Jessica Pearson’s deal is.

He pushes that look out of his mind and sits down in the chair of the other side of Harvey’s desk, offering him the pineapple in his hands.

“Come on,” Mike says and there is this short second where he’s not sure if Harvey’s mood would actually leave room for any joking right now.

“I don’t want it,” Harvey says and lifts his eyes to meet Mike’s when he replies.

“You serious? You’re afraid of the pineapple? I know it’s got a rough exterior but it’s all sweet in the inside, I promise.” Mike continues because there are few things more captivating than Harvey’s warm brown eyes and Harvey hasn’t given any sign of protest yet. Mike thinks he may even get away with it. “Come on. I love you, Harvey.”

He deliberately keeps his eyes on Harvey’s pointedly unimpressed face and a thrill runs through every nerve ending in Mike’s body when the words leave his mouth. He feels like he’s standing at the edge of a cliff at Harvey’s mercy and he hasn’t decided if he’s gonna pull Mike back to safe ground or push him tumbling into dark and wild waters.

After moment of hesitation, that feels much longer than it actually is, Harvey gives in and their fingers brush when he takes the stick with the pineapple out of Mike’s hands. The contact feels more intense than it would if they hadn’t just shared intense eye contact but Mike welcomes it – at least he does until he remembers that he’s still sailing in unsure waters and giving himself away by blushing or grinning would be unwise.

Harvey breaks their eye contact when he starts munching on the fruit and it gives Mike the perfect opportunity to keep looking at Harvey which is why Mike doesn’t miss the way Harvey’s eyes dart from his desk to Mike’s lips and back down again.

It happens so quickly that Mike isn’t even sure if his eyes tricked him or not but the image of it seems branded deep into his retina and he already knows he’s going to replay it throughout the entire day, going back and forth between convincing himself it doesn’t mean anything and hoping that it was more than wishful thinking. Between asking himself if he can still rely on his brain or if Harvey Specter possibly has the same kind of thoughts as Mike swirling in his head.

Mike gets the answer to that question exactly 4 days, 9 hours, 13 minutes and 39 seconds later.

It’s one of those rare Fridays where nothing completely urgent pops up and Harvey comes strolling into the bullpen, a smirk on his face when he tells Mike to pack up his stuff and follow him. They end up in one of the endless restaurants that Harvey seems to frequent and/or know the owner of and that are fancier than anything Mike would voluntarily step foot in during his free time. However, he’s here with Harvey and the company is more important than the location and they do end up having a nice time which is all that matters.

When Harvey excuses himself and goes to the restroom after their waitress balances their plates for the main course on her arms, Mike can’t help but think about the fact that this little get-together has almost everything a date would have. He tries to ignore the way his stomach flutters when the d-word pops into his head and he rubs his hand over his face as if he could physically rub inappropriate thoughts about his boss away. Even though Harvey hasn’t said anything, Mike can tell that it’s his way of thanking Mike for everything and he tries to tell himself that that’s enough – not that it helps. Mike had always been unable to take Harvey’s rare gestures for what they were and not take them for something bigger.

Harvey pays the bill on his way back from the restroom which, while not unusual, gives Mike even more of a date-like impression of the whole thing and Mike is glad when they step out of the restaurant because the cold night air clears his head a bit.

“I called us a cab earlier,” Harvey says, pulling his scarf higher around his neck.

“You mean you had the waiter call us a cab?”

Harvey smiles. “Same difference.”

Mike huffs a laugh and shakes his head.

They stand there on the pavement in silence for a moment that feels too long and Mike tries to think of something to say but comes up short. He feels like this would be the moment in the movie where one of them would kiss the other goodbye after their date and the thought causes a familiar flutter in his chest. Mike looks up from the wet pavement and finds Harvey staring at him and his eyes send a warm shiver down Mike’s spine.

Harvey doesn’t look away like Mike expects him to but instead keeps staring, eyes intense and curious and it makes Mike more nervous than he thinks he has any reason to be around Harvey.

“What?”

Harvey’s smile is soft and more open than the ones Mike usually sees and he can’t help but mirror it. “Nothing.”

“Do I have something on my face?” Mike asks, rubbing one hand around his mouth because Harvey _still_ hasn’t looked away and Harvey is looking at his lips.

“No,” Harvey says and takes a step closer to Mike, no more than a foot separating them.

“Then why are you staring at me?” Mike asks, almost scared what the answer might be. He clears his throat.

“What can I say? Your face is nice to look at, Mike.” The boyish smile on Harvey’s face leaves no doubt about the intention behind it. Mike’s breath stops.

Harvey steps even closer.

Mike can feel a smile spread on his lips he knows he couldn’t hide it even if he wanted to. It’s a smile that doesn’t leave any room for anything else on his face, that hurts his cheeks soothes his soul.

He can’t tell who leans in first but their lips finally touch and it feels even better than Mike ever imagined.

 

**Present**

Mike stops in front of the door and moves his briefcase from his right hand to his left one so he can grab the keys out of the right pocket of his jacket. The bright sound of keys clinking against each other rings loudly in the silence of the empty hall and the noise makes him pause. His arms fall at his sides, his hands dangling, giving themselves over to gravity like they haven’t all day and Mike physically feels the metaphorical weight on his shoulders.

For a split second thoughts of turning around and not going through the door pop into his head but he discards them just as quickly as they come. Leaving was something he had done more than once in his life and Mike he has come to a point where he doesn’t want leaving to be an option. Particularly not this time. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, trying to exhale the tension in his shoulders.

A moment later, Mike puts the key into the keyhole, turns it, and enters their home – or whatever is left of it.

It’s dark inside the condo which used to be unusual but now isn’t so Mike flicks the light switch and finds the place looking just like he left it this morning. It’s late enough that Harvey should be home by now, but there is no dent in the couch, no half full tumbler of scotch on the small glass table, or used dishes in the sink. Mike sets down his briefcase behind the couch, his jacket piled on top of it, and wanders into the kitchen. He’s not really hungry but opens the fridge anyway just in case something catches his eye. Nothing does, however, so he picks up his things and walks down the hallway.

Mike is about to push down the doorknob to the guest bedroom when he hears another door further down the hall swing open.

His head snaps up and turns, his eyes immediately meeting Harvey’s for the first time that day. The visual contact causes both his heart to flutter and his shoulders to tense, and Mike’s grip on the doorknob tightens. Harvey pauses for a second, apparently not having heard Mike come home, but catches himself quickly. There’s a pang that shoots through Mike’s chest when he recognizes the stance Harvey takes as the one he uses most often in court: confident, self-assured and anything else he doesn’t usually try to convey in their own home.

Suddenly, Mike is very aware of the sultry silence and his throat seems to itch with the need of saying something, so today doesn’t become another day where they haven’t talked to each other.

“Hey,” is the first thing Mike thinks to say, and his voice sounds more wobbly than he’d like it to.

“Hi,” Harvey replies, no particular emotion in his voice. He closes the door to the master bedroom behind him and walks along the corridor back towards the living room. Mike watches his retreating back and when Harvey turns right, Mike knows he’s going to his study, probably finishing up work. Mike doesn’t know what Harvey’s currently working on but he wishes he did.

Finally, he turns his head towards the door in front of him, his knuckles white around the doorknob and he pushes down. He enters the room quickly, the hallway now feeling cold and hostile. Mike closes the door behind him, replaying the look on Harvey’s face in his mind. Mike presses his eyes shut, leans his forehead against the cool wood of the door and exhales deeply and shakily.


	2. cloud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harvey is staring straight ahead at the white wall opposite the couch they’re both sitting on, hard lines around his eyes and mouth. There’s a woman sitting on a chair in front of them, sorting through papers lying on her lap. Her movements and her demeanor seem calm and collected and Mike thinks it’s almost impressive considering the feeling in the room. The tension between Harvey and him must be palpable and seems to be rising higher and higher the more time passes. Then again, she is a professional. Who knows how many more cases like theirs she sees every day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again I have to thank Ashley for the massive help, thank you <3

**Session One**

Harvey is staring straight ahead at the white wall opposite the couch they’re both sitting on, hard lines around his eyes and mouth. There’s a woman sitting on a chair in front of them, sorting through papers lying on her lap. Her movements and her demeanor seem calm and collected and Mike thinks it’s almost impressive considering the feeling in the room. The tension between Harvey and him must be palpable and seems to be rising higher and higher the more time passes. Then again, she is a professional. Who knows how many more cases like theirs she sees every day.

“How long have the two of you been together?” Summers asks, a pleasant smile on her face that should be patronizing but isn’t.

There’s a moment of silence that follows where Mike hopes that Harvey will answer but nothing happens. Mike sits up straighter on the couch, not that he can actually sit any straighter, and clears his throat before answering.

“Six years.”

“How many of those years have you been married?”

“Three.”

“And engaged?”

Mike takes another glance at Harvey who hasn’t moved and inhales deeply as memories flash across his inner eye. The change between then and now almost gives him whiplash.

“About five months.”

Summers clicks her pen to life and starts writing, the sound of ballpoint flowing on top of paper cuts through the silence like a knife in a fistfight. She takes long enough for Mike to know that she’s writing down more than his answers and a wave of nervousness washes over him.

Mike risks another glance at Harvey and if he didn’t know better, he’d think there was a statue sitting in Harvey’s place instead of a living human being. Mike can’t fault him for it, though.

Summers clicks her pen again which draws Mike’s attention back to her and he watches her put the papers in her lap on top of the glass coffee table between them, leaning forward. Her eyes jump back and forth between the both of them, the smile from the beginning back on her face. Mike wishes she would opt for a different facial expression, one that doesn’t make him want to break out of his own skin.

“Alright, before we start: is there a specific reason that made you decide to come here?”

Again, Mike glances at Harvey only this time he finds hazel eyes staring back, Harvey’s face aloof and defensive; an expression Mike has seen on Jessica countless times and that Harvey seemed to have perfected while Mike wasn’t looking. It hurts more than Mike thought possible.

**2012**

Harvey pushes the door of their cab and it closes with a soft thud before the car drives off and both Harvey and Mike watch it drive away for a moment.

Mike is already looking at Harvey when he turns towards him, a smile on his face that he tries to suppress but he doesn’t manage to fully do so. A giggle escapes Mike and he almost can’t believe how little it bothers him, the feeling of content inside his chest big and intense and almost scary. He does the only thing he really can do about it and leans in and kisses Harvey.

Their lips move against each other tenderly and soft warmth starts to spread all over his body like the early spring sun warming his skin. Mike hums, tangling his right hand in the hair at the back of Harvey’s head, pulling him in. It’s only the fourth time that they’re doing it but Mike already knows that he is addicted to the way Harvey tastes and feels. It’s exquisite.

Suddenly, there’s a car honking on the street behind them and Mike remembers where they are, both of them jumping apart.

Taking the interruption as their cue, Mike enters his building and for the first time he kinda regrets living on the fourth floor, because the elevator ride isn’t long enough for more than a quite short kiss on Harvey’s welcoming lips. Mike can’t wait for the next time they ride the elevator up to Harvey’s condo together.

They walk along the short hallway and stop in front of Mike’s door. Neither of them moves or blinks and for the first time that night, Mike feels insecure as to what to do. They’re standing opposite of each other and Mike doesn’t even think about fishing his keys out of the pocket of his jacket. He thinks maybe he should just to not let the indecision make him do or say something stupid. Then again he doesn’t really want this night to end yet, so he doesn’t want to send the wrong signal. Asking Harvey inside is tempting but Mike knows now is not the time to make rash decisions, high on endorphins and a little tipsy from the wine.

However, before Mike can say anything Harvey’s tongue darts out to wet his lips and Mike forgets what words actually are. All that counts is the connection between them, this strange and exciting thing they found in the space between themselves.

Their kiss slowly grows more and more heated, hands roaming and tongues exploring. Mike can feel heat come over him, taking over his nerve endings, spreading from his stomach in all directions, and he knows that he has to stop soon or he won’t be able to be held responsible for his actions. He keeps kissing Harvey for another moment, actively committing the moment to memory even though he won’t be able to forget anyway, and then he breaks the contact of their lips. He doesn’t go very far though, and leans their foreheads against each other, eyes closed, trying to catch his breath, and he can tell Harvey is doing the same. After another moment Mike pulls away and speaks.

“You really went all out for our first date.”

“It’s our second one, Mike.” There’s that grin on Harvey’s face again that he only gets when he know he was a winning hand.

Mike eyes him suspiciously. “Are you serious?”

“As a heart attack.”

“Then when did our first one supposedly happen?”

“Are you trying to tell me your wonderful little brain can’t remember?”

There’s a moment of silence before it clicks for Mike.

“You’re talking about the last time we went to dinner? When we kissed?”

Harvey’s shoulders rise and he’s probably trying to look innocent but it’s not working. “It had all the qualifiers for a real date.”

“That doesn’t count, I didn’t even know it was supposed to be a date. I’m pretty sure both parties have to be in the loop for it to count.”

“Not my problem if you can’t take a hint, is it?”

“Harvey, are you seriously-“

“I am.”

Mike is genuinely baffled at Harvey’s insistence but the happy and smug look on his face sends a wave of warm affection over his chest and Mike decides to be the bigger person. This time at least.

“God, I feel sorry for every person you ever went on a date with.”

Harvey grabs his hips and pulls him close. His voice is quiet when he speaks. “Don’t pretend you didn’t love it.”

“If I did, I’m certainly not going to tell you now, am I?”

“That’s ok. I already know what you think.”

Mike shakes his head in amusement, pulls away, and finally grabs his keys out of his pocket. He doesn’t move any further, though, and takes a moment to take in the man in front of him in. Mike watches Harvey stand in the hallway of his shitty building, looking immaculate as always, hands in his pockets, and Mike likes to think that Harvey looks more relaxed than he has in a long time. It fills him with a kind of content that he hasn’t felt since his grandmother died. Maybe even before that.

Mike places a last, short kiss on Harvey’s lips that has no direction but just _is_. Like nature, maybe, like the tides or waves crashing against a shore.

“Bye, Harvey.” Mike brushes over the back of Harvey’s head.

“Goodnight, Mike.”

“Goodnight.”

With a smile on his lips, Harvey turns and walks down the hallway towards the elevator and Mike waits until he’s out of sight until he closes the door. There’s a stupid grin on his face he can’t fight and he almost does the cliché thing of leaning his forehead against the door. It was only one date. He should get it together. (He ignores the little voice in his head telling him that it was the second one.)

When Mike takes off his jacket and throws it over the back of his couch he sees his phone lying on the coffee table. He had been so focused on Harvey he hasn’t realized he forgot it at home. He smiles as he picks it up and when he clicks the screen to life he sees that he has three missed calls and eight text messages. There’s a short second of panic before he sees that they’re all from Rachel and he shakes his head, smiling, and opens the chat.

 **Rachel Zane** [6:58pm] Hi Mike!  
**Rachel Zane** [6:58pm] You said you were free tonight, right?  
**Rachel Zane** [6:59pm] Let’s get drunk while watching one of those movies you always quote

Missed Call [7:33pm] Rachel Zane

Missed Call [8:03pm] Rachel Zane

 **Rachel Zane** [8:03pm] Pick up your goddamn phone Mike where are you?  
**Rachel Zane** [8:04pm] What are you even doing? Sleeping??

 **Rachel Zane** [9:44pm] If you’re doing anything else than getting laid right now I will never forgive you for ignoring me EVER  
**Rachel Zane** [9:53pm] No actually not even getting laid is an excuse to ignore me like this

Missed Call [10:06pm] Rachel Zane

 **Rachel Zane** [11:05pm] You’re officially The Worst, Mike Ross

Affection bubbles up in his chest as he reads the text and Mike tries to estimate how many glasses of wine Rachel had between the first text and now.

 **You** [11:39pm] I object, Miss Zane

He’s not sure if she’s still awake or not even though experience has taught him that Rachel is a very sleepy drunk, but he still stares at the screen for several seconds, waiting. When there’s still no little bubble popping up indicating that Rachel was replying after half a minute, Mike turns off the screen of his phone and starts undressing.

He closes his eyes, unbuttoning his shirt and for a moment he imagines other fingers undressing him and touching the skin they expose. The images on the backs of his eyelids disappear when he hears his phone alert him to incoming text messages.

 **Rachel Zane** [11:45pm] You’re alive!!  
**Rachel Zane** [11:45pm] Good  
**Rachel Zane** [11:46pm] Then I can kick your ass on Monday

Mike’s fingers are hovering over the keyboard, ready to reply, when his phone is vibrating again and he sees there’s an incoming call from Rachel. Mike accepts it.

“Rachel?”

“You, young man, better have a good goddamn reason for blowing me off like this.” She sounds drunker than her texts indicated and Mike has a short second to appreciate the wonders of autocorrect.

“I do, in fact.” Mike says, “I was out.”

“Mike … define _out_ ,” Rachel says, slurring slightly but prominent enough to be noticed. She sounds very determined to find out why Mike had stood her up and Mike hopes he can get away with telling her the least amount of details possible.

“Just, you know, dinner and drinks.”

“Alone?”

“Who are you? The police?” As soon as he finishes speaking he hears a loud sound on the other end of the line and he thinks Rachel must have slapped her thigh with her hand. It’s something she does when she can’t stomp her foot. Mike hopes he’s not in too much trouble.

“Stop avoiding my questions, Mike Ross! I deserve answers, I had to get drunk on my own because of you!”

“Let me guess, you just opened the second bottle?”

She giggles and the sound of it makes Mike smile. “Screw you.”

“I’m just checking in on you.”

“You’re still avoiding my question which usually means either you’re embarrassed or you don’t want me to know.”

“You’ve spent too much time with Donna,” Mike laughs, running his free hand through his hair.

Rachel is silent for a moment before Mike hears the crackling of a deep sigh. “I’m not gonna get any answers tonight, am I?”

“Probably not, no.”

“Like I said before: you’re The Worst.” She stresses the words in such a way that Mike can actually hear the capital letters.

“Goodnight, Rachel,” Mike says, trying his best not to let out the laugh he can feel pressing at the back of his throat.

She hangs up without a reply and Mike knows that he won’t be able to keep this from her forever. Rachel definitely isn’t drunk enough to forget this conversation ever happened. He’s going to worry about it another day, he decides, the high of the evening with Harvey still present  enough for Mike to pay other things no mind.

Mike settles into bed barely five minutes later, phone on the night stand, hoping but not expecting Rachel to reply. He’s only just closed his eyes when his phone vibrates against the solid wood. He unlocks the screen, expecting it to be Rachel, but it’s not.

 **Harvey Specter** [12:10am] I hope you had a nice time during our second date

Mike’s grin is so bright on his face it could possibly rival the desert sun at noon, and it doesn’t fade until long after Mike has fallen asleep.

**Session Two**

“Our friends were very supporting of our relationship from the beginning.” Mike stops himself, feeling the need to specify. “I mean, once the surprise wore off, at least. But that happened quickly.”

“Why were they surprised?”

Mike hesitates. “Not many people knew that either of us were bisexual. I was out to a few coworkers, but Harvey wasn’t.”

Summers raises her eyebrows, as if urging Mike to continue.

“It was never that big of a deal to me personally,” Mike says, “but half of Harvey’s work relies on his reputation so he doesn’t really broadcast it.”

“The firm deals with all types of clients and there are some of them who wouldn’t be very accepting,” Harvey says.

“Has this ever caused any tension between the two of you?”

“No,” Mike says.

“Do you agree, Mister Specter?” Summer asks. There’s an edge to her gaze that makes it obvious she doesn’t expect Harvey to agree.

“I do,” Harvey answers, his eyes focused on Summers. She turns back towards Mike.

“Mike, it never angered or bothered you that Harvey kept you a secret?”

“That’s not how-“ Harvey starts, anger quickly building in his voice, but Mike cuts him off.

“No. Other people’s opinion on our relationship never mattered. I always knew what it was that I came home to.” Mike belatedly notices his own use of the past tense and he squeezes his eyes shut.

Summers takes a few notes in her notebook and Mike fight the temptation to look at Harvey.

“Alright, let’s talk about the beginning of your relationship. How did you meet?”

Mike lowers his voice so that Summers can’t hear him. “I spilled weed on the floor.”

Out of the corner of his eyes, Mike thinks he sees a smile curl on Harvey’s lips, but he turns his head further the smile is gone – if it ever was there in the first place. Mike also thinks that only a month ago Harvey would have thrown a snappy comeback at him and it reminds Mike again why they are here.

“Excuse me?”

“Sorry. I said Harvey hired me. I was his associate at the firm.”

“So your work relationship turned into a personal one?”

“We did both. For the first year of our romantic relationship we were still working together.”

“Then what happened?”

“I quit the firm,” Mike says and it suddenly occurs to him that he doesn’t know if he can or should tell her about his reasons behind his resignation.

“Why?”

“Well,” Mike starts and clears his through, trying to stall. He should have read up on client confidentiality but these sessions were a struggle in and of themselves so it slipped his mind. Mike is about to speak when Harvey surprisingly cuts him off.

“The circumstances don’t matter.”

Summer cocks her head to the side. “They always matter, Mister Specter.”

“They don’t. What counts are always the actions themselves.”

“Do you really believe that?” Summers looks like she knows Harvey is not being entirely truthful but tries her best to hide it.

“Yes.”

**2013**

Harvey looks surprised when he sees it’s Mike on the other side of the door. Admittedly, it is pretty late considering it’s a Wednesday night and they’re both supposed to be at the firm first thing in the morning, but Mike needs to have this conversation more than he needs the sleep.

There’s a glass of scotch in Harvey’s hand, still wearing today’s suit minus the jacket and Mike allows himself a moment of appreciating the view before more pressing thoughts take over his mind again.

“Mike.”

“Harvey.”

“Everything alright?”

“Yeah,” Mike says and takes a deep breath. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

Harvey shakes his head. “Didn’t expect you, is all.”

“Can I come in?”

Instead of giving an answer, Harvey swings the door open wider and takes a step back. Mike enters the condo and starts walking toward the living room before changing his mind. He turns around and closes the distance between him, Harvey’s warm lips soft and inviting again Mike’s.

Cold fingers cling to the fabric of Harvey’s shirt and through the haze Mike feels Harvey’s hand cupping the back of his head. Mike exhales shakily into the kiss and feels some of the tension in his bones evaporate. For a moment it is the familiar comfort of Harvey’s touch that settles some of the racing thoughts in his head and slows down his erratic heart.

Harvey breaks the kiss and leans their foreheads against each other.

“You sure you’re okay?” Harvey’s lips brush against Mike’s as he talks.

Mike nods, leans away and lets go.

“Alright,” Harvey says and points at the couch. “Why don’t you sit down?”

Nervous energy is running through Mike’s body despite Harvey’s help, but it still makes it impossible to stay still, much less sit.  “Can’t.”

Harvey raises his eyebrows and sits down himself, eyes never leaving Mike’s twitchy form.

“I decided what I want to do and I wanted to talk to you about it.”

“Do about what?”

Mike takes a deep breath. “Remember our conversation last week when you said the only way I can go legit is if I move to a random town in Iowa and go to law school there? You said if I want to stay I need to keep going and enjoy the ride.”

Mike watches Harvey bite his lip before replying. “Yeah, of course I do.”

“I’ve been thinking and … there’s another way for me to go legit.”

Harvey’s eyebrows draw together in confusion and Mike stops his pacing, coming to a halt right in front of Harvey. Mike straightens his shoulders.

“I want to quit the firm and go back to college.”

Harvey narrows his eyes. “Mike, we’ve talked about this you can’t-“

“I can if I don’t study law.”

It feels like time stops and Mike holds his breath. Harvey leans forward in his seat, leaning with his elbows on his knees.

“You want to quit being a lawyer? Are you serious?”

“Yes,” Mike says, “I am.”

“No.”

“Harvey –“

Harvey gets out of his seat. “I can’t let you do this, I’m-“

“Let me? Damn it, Harvey-“

“- and I don’t care if-“

“Tough shit you’re going to-“

“- giving up on everything –“

“I’m not giving up on anything!”

“Not giving up?” Harvey’s face is furious and Mike asks himself if maybe this was a mistake. “So what the hell do you call throwing the towel like you are?”

“Harvey!” Mike shouts and it’s so loud it surprises himself. He clenches his eyes shut and swallows, his next words quiet in the aftermath. “Let me explain myself. Please.”

Harvey is still looking incredulously but Mike can tell his stopping himself from raising his voice again.

“Mike, you’re the best goddamn lawyer I ever worked with and you deserve it more than anybody else. Do you really want to throw all of that away?”

Mike sighs, rubbing the heels of his palms over his eyes, “I have to.”

“You don’t-“

“What if I get caught one day?”

Harvey shakes his head. “You’re not gonna get caught.”

“That’s your answer?

“There is no reason for anybody to suspect anything.” Harvey’s voice rises again. “You _won’t_ get caught.”

“But _what if_ , Harvey? You can’t eliminate that possibility! We may be able to cover my tracks but I will always live with the fucking Sword of Damocles above my head as long as I work as a lawyer.”

“You can’t think like that, Mike, it may never happen-“

“It may never happen, or it may happen tomorrow! There is no guarantee in any of this!”

In the silence that follows, Mike notices that both of them are breathing heavily. The anger that was written all over Harvey’s face earlier is gone and it unlocks something in Mike.

“Yes, I’ve had my eyes set on being a lawyer for a long, long time, but … every day I walk into the firm asking myself if it’s the last time I will because someone will find out. I just can’t live my whole life like this, Harvey. The constant fear –“ Mike stops himself and shakes his head. “I love being a lawyer and working with you and I always will, but the risks are getting too big. I don’t think I’ll ever be as good at anything else than I was being an attorney but there are other ways I can help people without fighting for them in court.”

Mike is grateful for the fact that Harvey hasn’t interrupted him yet, and pushes himself to keep talking. He looks up from where he’s staring at his hands and meets Harvey’s eyes.

“Plus, if I get caught I’m not the only one going down, Harvey.” Mike bites his lip and lowers his voice. “I love you too much to let that happen.”

The residual fight seems to drain out of Harvey at the words. His shoulders slump as he exhales deeply, gaze intense as he searches Mike’s face for an answer to a question he’s not asking.

“I am going down with you if you get caught, whether you like it or not.”

“I know,” Mike says and he can feel his face soften just like Harvey’s has. “That’s why I don’t want to let it come that far.”

Harvey is silent again and Mike doesn’t know what to do with it. In the last two years of working for Harvey, Mike had come to look at Harvey for approval and somehow the need for Harvey to be okay with this is nagging at him incessantly _._

Mike glances past Harvey’s shoulder, the reflection of the New York skyline contrasting on the glass, before looking back at the man in front of him.

“Look, Harvey, there is nothing I would love more than working with you until the end of days but I _can’t_ . I could go to prison for what I’ve been doing. Hell, _you_ could go to prison for it. I’m not willing to risk everything. It's not just about me anymore.”

Harvey is intently looking at Mike, searching again, and it feels like Harvey is testing him. Mike has no idea if he’s passing or not.

“Okay,” Harvey says after a beat, voice quiet.

“Okay?” Mike’s voice trembles even though it’s just one word.

“Mike, you don’t need my approval for this. It’s your decision.”

“I don’t need it, no, but I’d like it anyway.”

Harvey finally closes the remaining distance between them and cups the side of Mike’s face in one hand, his expression soft and warm. He brushes his thumb along Mike’s cheekbone and there are more assessing looks that Mike doesn’t have the will to analyze or question.

“You’ve really been nervous about this, haven’t you?”

“It’s a big decision.” Mike shrugs. “I don’t want to fuck things up.”

“If this is really what you want to do then of course I support you. I just-“ Harvey stops himself.

“You can say it.”

Harvey hesitates but continues. “I’d hate to see you waste your potential.”

“I know. I’m trying not to. There are other things I can do that aren’t a complete waste of time.” Mike smiles.

Harvey leans forward so their foreheads are touching. Mike inhales deeply and exhales quickly.

“I assume you already looked into what it is exactly you want to do?”

“Yes, but,” Mike closed his eyes, “could we just go to sleep? I’m exhausted. Talk tomorrow?”

“Of course.”

Mike thinks he hears Harvey mumble a ‘come here’ as he pulls Mike into his arms and finally, Mike feels lighter than he did the entire last week. He knows they’re not done talking about this and there will probably more than one more argument about this in the future, but for now, he lets himself be held and assured. He inhales Harvey’s scent deeply and floats in the realms of familiarity for a moment.

“You’ll have my letter of resignation on your desk in the morning.”

Harvey huffs a laugh against Mike’s shoulder and tightens his arms around him.

**Present**

Mike’s head snaps up when he hears the door to their condo open. He’d been leaning over the table, head slumped between his shoulders, eyes closed, waiting. He hears the familiar sounds of Harvey coming home and it makes his chest feel tight. He’s nervous and he wishes he wasn’t.

Harvey is looking at his phone when he walks into Mike’s field of vision so Mike is not sure if he should interrupt or not. Before he reaches a decision, Harvey looks up and Mike wonders what he thinks about what he sees. Harvey’s face gives nothing away.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

“You wanna eat?” Mike asks. “I cooked.”

Harvey’s eyes flick away from Mike at the table and it seems like he’s only now seeing that there’s food waiting.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Oh.” Mike swallows. “Okay.”

“Sorry,” Harvey adds quietly. An afterthought. Or a feeling of duty.

Mike nods, tearing his gaze away, looking down towards his empty plate. He looks up when he hears the sound of Harvey’s heels on the wooden floor

“Harvey?” Mike calls out and he doesn’t know how he feels about the fact that Harvey stops but doesn’t turn around. He only turns his head slightly, indicating that he’s listening.

“Happy Birthday.”

At this Harvey does turn around fully. Harvey looks like he’s being torn in two and it hurts because Mike instinctively wants to get up, wants to hug, wants to kiss, wants to touch, but he’s not sure he’s allowed.

“Thanks.” Harvey gives Mike half a smile, turns back around and walks towards his bedroom. A moment later Mike can hear the soft click of the door shutting.

Not for the first time in his life Mike wishes he could turn back time.


	3. marks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I haven't done this before but I honestly can't thank everybody enough who left comments and kudos so far I really appreciate it! Also I need to apologize for the lateness of this chapter (I started binging a tv show without meaning to - you know how it goes) AND the shortness but this was a good point to cut it off and I didn't want to go any longer without updating it so here it is :)

**2014**

Only when he wakes up, does Mike realize that he’d fallen asleep in the first place. It takes his body a moment to catch up with time and space and when it does, he notices the blanket draped over his lap that hadn’t been there before. Then, Harvey steps into Mike’s field of vision from behind him.

“Didn’t mean to wake you up,” Harvey murmurs.

“What time is it?” Mike asks, rubbing his eyes, chasing the residual sleep away, and sitting straighter in the chair of Harvey’s study.

“A little after one.”

“Shit.” Mike yawns.

He has to fight to open his eyes again afterwards but he somehow manages. He takes in the chaos on Harvey’s desk which Mike had commandeered this afternoon. There’s an assembly of open books and stray papers occupying most of the space.  The only source of light was the desk lamp which is probably the reason he fell asleep, now that Mike thinks about it.

Harvey walks around the table and sits down on the chair on the opposite side, crossing his legs.

“How much work do you have left?” Harvey asks and Mike almost gets distracted by the way the shadows flow along the lines of Harvey’s face.

Mike is about to answer but another yawn forces itself out of him. He shakes his head and checks where he stopped taking notes before falling asleep.

“I guess I still have about 3 hours of cramming to do. Maybe less.” He looks up at Harvey who is looking at him with an unreadable expression.

“You should sleep,” Harvey finally says.

“Can’t. I’ve got a final tomorrow, remember?”

“I do. Your last one, right?”

“Yeah.”

Harvey doesn’t say anything else, so Mike goes back to work. He can feel Harvey’s eyes on him but tries his best to ignore it. Mike sorts the books in order of importance and starts reading about economic processes. He jumps when only a handful of moments later Harvey speaks again.

“How did you even manage to get so behind in that class that you need to pull on all-nighter?”

Mike sighs.

“I meant to catch up last weekend,” Mike says, “but then you surprised me with that weekend and I didn’t have the heart to say no.” He looks up and sees Harvey’s left eye flinch. Mike decides that he can spare another five minutes and get up and walks around the desk, stopping behind Harvey, and leans down so he can wrap his arms around him. Mike closes his eyes, placing a kiss to Harvey’s temple before he speaks.

“Not your fault, Harvey.”

“I should have known.”

“You forgot, it’s okay.”

Harvey takes Mike’s forearm and moves it so he can place a kiss on the top of Mike’s hand. “You still should have said something.”

“It’s fine Harvey. It was worth it.”

Harvey hums, tightening his hold on Mike’s wrist, and leans his head against Mike’s bicep. They spend a few minutes like this, quiet and calm, a moment that would only ever be exist in the middle of the night, before Harvey taps his fingers on Mike’s skin and he gets up.

Mike rubs his eyes once again, still tired but less on edge. “You should go to bed. At least one of us should get some sleep tonight.”

Harvey turns and kisses Mike’s forehead shortly before leaving the room. Mike rolls his shoulders and sits back behind the desk, once again immersing himself in studying.  

Not much time passes until the door of the study opens again and Harvey walks in, carrying a tray. He stops for a moment and turns on the bright ceiling lights and Mike has to squint his eyes as they adjust to it. When the red spots stop dancing in his view, Mike raises his eyebrows in surprise. Harvey sets down the tray on the side of the desk that’s slightly less populated by papers and books and then goes to sit down on the chair on the other side of the desk.

“What’s this?” Mike asks, his eyebrows drawn together.

“I did pull a few all-nighters back in my day.”

“So this is an all-nighter care package?”

“That’s a terrible name.”

“It’s almost 2 in the morning, cut me some slack.”

Harvey’s only reply is a pointed raising of his eyebrows. Mike rolls his chair closer so he can take a look at what Harvey had brought.

“No coffee?”

“You’re too immune to caffeine, it would just make you crash after an hour or two.”

“So you bring me ice cold water instead?”

“Yes. Protein too. Energy for your brain, carbs will just make you more tired.”

“Pizza has served me well so far, though.”

Harvey tilts his head and crosses his legs. Mike really hopes Harvey doesn’t think he’s not grateful for trying to help him. He really is. As a proof of trust pours himself a glass with water, the ice cubes clinking brightly against the glass, and he drinks the whole thing in one go. Even though Mike had been a big coffee and caffeine fan all his life, now he has to admit that he instantly feels more awake than he did before.

When Mike looks back at Harvey, he’s smiling.

 

**Present**

Mike rounds the corner of their apartment into the living room and sees Harvey leaning over the couch, the weight of his torso resting on the back. At first, Mike is more surprised that anything since neither of them spend much time in the living room anymore but then he hears it.

Harvey’s breath is loud and coming raggedly. The panic that wells up in Mike is familiar but still sends his own heart racing like nothing else can. Mike drops his briefcase and quickly crosses the distance between him and Harvey.

“Harvey?”

Mike waits until Harvey’s eyes focus on him before he gently places his hands on either side of Harvey’s face. “Breathe, come on.”

He takes one of Harvey’s hands and leads Harvey around the couch so they can sit down, then he presses Harvey’s hand on his own chest.

“Breathe with me. In, out. In, out. Here we go.”

Harvey closes his eyes and does as Mike instructs him. Mike keeps talking, voice as calm as he can manage. He doesn’t know if it’s just his imagination or if it takes Harvey longer than usual to control his breathing and for the panic attack to ebb away. Either way, it has been quite some times since they last happened and as much as Mike knows he needs to stay calm, he’s worried.

When Harvey’s breathing is more or less like it should be, he stares at Mike in a way he can’t decipher. Mike thinks he sees frustration and something else, but then Harvey’s eyes drop to where his hands are still resting on Mike’s ribcage. It takes Mike a moment to realize that it’s the first time they’ve touched in months and he lets go of Harvey’s hand, suddenly feeling embarrassed.

They sit in silence and Mike tries his hardest to hold back all the question he wants to ask and things he wants to tell Harvey. In the end, the silence grows awkward so quickly that Mike speaks.

“Okay?”

Harvey nods and rubs a hand over his face.

“When did you panic attacks start again?”

Harvey is quiet and doesn’t move for so long that Mike thinks he’s not going to answer, but eventually he does. “About two months ago.”

“What triggered –“

“Thanks, Mike, but I’m fine,” Harvey says, getting up carefully, as if he doesn’t fully trust his legs. He doesn’t look back as he walks towards his bedroom. Mike presses the heels of his hands against his closed eyes.  


 

**Session Five**

“How often do those arguments happen?”

Mike thinks about how he’d prefer the arguments over the tense silence they have settled in to lately. “We argue often. Over little things usually. But those big ones happen about once or twice a month.”

“We’ve always argued a lot it’s just who we are. It’s how we work,” Harvey says.

“No offense, Mister Specter, but you are here because things between you two  _ aren’t _ working.”

Mike sees the muscles of Harvey’s jaw tense. Summers doesn’t seem to give it any mind.

 

**2015**

Their waiter piles the last empty plate on his arm, giving both of them a pleasant smile, and then walks back towards the kitchen. Mike is still chasing the chocolatey aftertaste of his dessert on his tongue while Harvey declines an offer for a refill of his glass of wine and it’s one of the most relaxed evenings they've both had in a while.

They’re sitting in a restaurant they have only been to once before, a pleasant level of noise mixed with piano tones surrounding them and a tall white candle standing in the middle of their table. Harvey looks a lot more casual than Mike would expect in a place like this and when he looks around he can see that the both of them are probably underdressed. It used to bother him when he first started working at Pearson Hardman and had to go to uptown places like this since he never felt like he fit in.

However, there was no dating or even knowing Harvey Specter without getting used to fancy cutlery and expensive food, so now, four years after he walked into the Chilton with a suitcase full of weed, he almost feels like he belongs. Especially when he sees a satisfied Harvey sitting across from him.

“You look relaxed,” Mike says and takes a sip of his drink.

“I am.”

“Happy?”

“That too."

“In love?”

Harvey’s smile softens. “Very.”

It’s just loud enough for Mike to hear over the sounds in the background but it fills him up until he feels like he could physically grip it. Mike wants to burst or alternatively lunge across the table and kiss Harvey.

“The last time we came here was when you kissed me the first time.”

Harvey grins. “Our first date.”

It’s an age old argument between the two of them that flows and ebbs and comes around time and time again. Neither of them ever backs down from their position and it usually ends with one person kissing the other just to shut them up. Now, Mike leaves it because he’s feeling too content to be having any kind of argument, even a fake one.

“Just so you know I’m planning on coming here with you more often, I need to eat this Soufflé regularly from now on.”

“I wanted this place to be special.”

“What d’you mean?”

“I wanted this place to be special, that’s why we haven’t been here again since I brought you here for the first time.”

“Does that mean that tonight is special?”

“It has the potential to be pretty damn special,” Harvey says cryptically, grinning.

Mike quickly runs the date through his head to make sure that he didn’t forget about any kind of anniversary or birthday but it’s not. He stares at Harvey’s face, a boyish grin on his face, crowfeet around his eyes and lips red from the wine. Mike thinks he can tell that Harvey is trying to hide something and Mike doesn’t know if he should push it or indulge him by not pushing him about it. He narrows his eyes which only seems to make Harvey’s grin shine even brighter. Curiosity stings him like a bee and Mike never has been immune to its poison.

Mike leans forward, resting with his elbows in top of the table. “You do know that I’m gonna wonder about this for the rest of the night now, right?”

“I’ll try not to keep you waiting for too long.” Harvey smirks. It’s enough to soothe Mike for now.

They opt to walk back home because it’s one of those warm summer evenings that hold the promise of something great at its tail ends and Mike feels warm inside and out when Harvey takes his hand halfway through their walk and doesn’t let go until they’re at the condo.

When they enter their home, night has already fallen outside. Mike has been living with Harvey in his condo for a while now but he doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to the view of the city at night. Especially this far up. It’s a sea of lights in the darkness, like a backlit canopy with holes of various sizes punched in it. Sometimes he doesn’t mind the light pollution of the city that makes the stars in the sky invisible because sometimes the city itself hosts enough glittery lights to make up for it.

Since it’s late and they’re both slightly tipsy from wine and beer, Mike doesn’t bother pretending that he intends to take this anywhere else than the bedroom. It would be the perfect ending for an amazing night after all. He walks across the living room and when he doesn’t hear Harvey follow him Mike calls for him, unbuttoning his jacket.

“You coming, Harvey?”

“Marry me.”

Mike stops in his tracks.

It’s hard to describe the chaos of emotions he feels even though Harvey had spoken so quietly that Mike isn’t even sure at first that he hadn’t just imagined the words. He turns back around and the look on Harvey’s face leaves no doubt as to whether the words had been a trick of Mike’s mind. Harvey’s eyes are open and honest, and he somehow looks younger than Mike has ever seen him. He feels like his chest is going to burst open.

“Did you really just say what I think you said?” he says although it comes out more than a wobbly whisper and he feels a blush spread on his cheeks. This is really not an appropriate reply.

Harvey clears his throat, shifting his weight, and this time Mike hears the words loud and clear. “Marry me.”

Mike closes the distance between them, the tips of his shoes almost touching Harvey’s. He lifts his hand and cups the side of Harvey’s face, never taking his eyes off him the entire time. There’s something close to electricity running across the palm of Mike’s hand and even though he’s done the same gesture countless times before it feels new because what Harvey just said is big. He runs his thumb over Harvey’s cheekbone, feels the beginning of stubble on the skin and knows Harvey will shave it in the morning like he always does. It appears as if time is running slow and thick as molasses, everything registering in his mind in slow motion. Mike tries to swallow past the lump in his throat.

He doesn’t think he can talk just yet so he acts instead. Slowly, Mike leans in, looking at Harvey as long as he can before his eyes go crossed. He closes them then and he doesn’t need to see to be able to place his lips right on top of Harvey’s. Their lips instantly start moving in a familiar dance but it’s still new and it grows almost desperate. Mike feels it everywhere and all around him.

“Say it,” Harvey murmurs against Mike’s lips.

“Yes,” Mike breathes and chases Harvey’s lips, but Harvey moves back. Mike opens his eyes.

“Yes what?”

“Yes, Harvey, I will marry you.” Their lips connect again before he finishes the last word.

Mike can feel Harvey grin against his lips and he tightens his hold on his shoulder.


	4. blaze

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're slowly getting to the gritty stuff ahhh! Thanks for sticking with this story so far, I really appreciate all the kudos and comments. As always a thousand thanks to the lovely Ashley for helping and beta-ing

**Session Six**

“I was really surprised when Harvey proposed actually.” It feels like yesterday, but it also doesn’t. “We had a nice time and a nice dinner and when we came back home he just asked. I said yes. It was a really good night.”

There’s a kind of warmth blooming in Mike’s chest that he hasn’t felt in a while and his lips quirk into a smile. He doesn’t risk a glance in Harvey’s direction to see if he feels the same.

“You never had any discussions about marriage before that point in time?” Summers asks.

“No.”

Summers clicks her pen to life and starts writing something in her notes. Mike stares at the pen in her hand, moving quickly over the paper, and he feels the temptation to ask what she’s writing down. He knows it’s very likely that she wouldn’t tell him, but his curiosity is whispering in his ear. He just needs to know his and Harvey’s chances are of making it to the other side of this. Maybe she’s currently writing down that they’re a bigger mess than any amount of couple’s therapy can fix, or maybe she thinks that they’re a pair of idiots who can’t get themselves together. He hopes neither of those scenarios are true.

It doesn’t really matter what Summers thinks, Mike knows, but he can’t help but wonder if they are wasting their time coming here every week. It had taken a lot of arguments and a little luck on Mike’s side that Harvey had agreed to come here in the first place. When Mike suggested it, it felt like grabbing at the last straw and somehow, it still does.

“What about your wedding day? Mister Specter?”

Harvey waits a beat before answering and now Mike does look at him. “One of the happiest moments of our marriage.”

“Only one of them? Most couples that come in here call it their happiest day.”

“No,” Harvey says and Mike can see the muscles in his jaw clench, “there were many happy days. If only the important events count, the whole thing wouldn’t be worth it, would it?”

The whole thing. Mike doesn’t know if he feels like laughing or crying.

“Do you agree with that sentiment, Mike?”

Mike is still looking at Harvey, so when Harvey turns his head, their eyes meet. “I do.”

Harvey looks away when Summers starts taking notes again and Mike clenches his eyes shut, just for a stolen moment. The silence is heavy, weighing him down, drowning him. His chest feels tight and his heart is pumping, louder and louder. Mike remembers their wedding day, of course he does, and he remembers all the other happy days and he can’t help feeling like the last four months have tainted all those memories. He can hear the blood rushing in his ears when he remembers how different the two of them used to be. He didn’t think he could miss someone so much who was living in the same four walls as him.

It’s his fault, Mike knows, the knowledge sending a pang through his chest, and his heart thumps more violently, pumping hot guilt through his veins. Rationally, he knows it’s not exclusively his fault but  _ he _ was the one who put the final nail in their coffin. That’s a burden he’s not going to be able to get rid of.

“Mike?” His head snaps up.

“Sorry, what?”

“I said –“ Summer starts but to Mike’s utter surprise Harvey interrupts  her.

“Are you okay?”

It sounds uncharacteristically open and concerned – not just because of the fact that Summers is sitting right across from them, but because Mike hasn’t heard that tone of voice from Harvey in months and what  _ feels _ like years.

“Yeah, why would I – I’m fine.”

“You weren’t breathing steadily.”

His eyes sting and he clenches them shut. Mike allows himself a moment to compose himself before he tries to force the tears back and to cough away the lump in his throat. 

“I’m fine,” Mike says and it comes out huskily. When he opens his eyes, Harvey is looking at him like he’s trying to assess him. Mike nods and hopes that Harvey knows that he is thankful for this.

 

**2015**

When Mike hears the door open, he swirls around from where he’s standing in front of the mirror, finally giving up the battle with his bowtie. Rachel closes the door behind her, looking up and Mike can’t even count until three until Rachel hides her face behind both her hands, very obviously trying to suppress a laugh. 

“Come on let it out,” Mike says, “I know you want to.”

She lets her hands drop and downright giggles as she walks over to him, putting one hand on Mike’s shoulder. Mike shakes his head disapprovingly, but Rachel’s laugh is so contagious that they both end up laughing, leaning against each other. It feels good, Mike realizes, some of the tension in his shoulders he hadn’t been aware of dissipating. 

“Mike, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bowtie look so … so sad.” 

He lifts his hands in defeat. “I can admit that tying a bowtie isn’t one of my many talents.”

“You have talents?” She quirks her eyebrow.

“Yeah, Harvey can tell you all about them. Apparently my tongue-“

“Ugh! Too much information, Mike. It might be your wedding day but that won’t mean I’m going to listen to you talk about blowjobs.”

“Who said anything about blowjobs?”

Rachel rolls her eyes and lifts Mike’s chin, starting to untangle the mess Mike created.

“You know, you should just go get Harvey real quick, he’s an expert in these types of things.”

“Mike,” she says, tugging on his collar, “you’re going to see Harvey in ten minutes in front of the altar. You can wait that long.”

“He just needs to tie this bowtie, it’s not a big deal.”

“I’ve managed to keep you two apart so far, don’t let my efforts be in vain.”

Mike sighs, lifting his chin higher so Rachel has more space to work.

“How can you get married to Harvey Specter and not know how to tie a bowtie, anyway?”

“No, see  _ because _ I’m getting married to Harvey Specter I don’t need to know how to tie a bowtie. That’s his thing.” 

Rachel doesn’t reply and Mike feels compelled to fill the silence. “Actually, during one of our first cases he took me to Atlantic City because a client lost his company in a poker game. Harvey didn’t think me not being able to tie a bowtie was as funny as you did, though.”

Mike is still looking up, so he doesn’t see Rachel’s face, but he thinks he heard her huff a laugh.

“All done,” Rachel says after one last tug and steps back.

Mike turns back around so he can look in the mirror and lo and behold, Rachel has managed what he hadn’t earlier – not that he didn’t have any confidence that she would. Now that his bowtie is fixed, Mike has to admit that he doesn’t look half bad. He brushes his hands down the lapel and rechecks if he didn’t forget a button of his shirt. He looks ready, as far as he can tell.

“You’re nervous.”

“Me? Nervous? Never. I’ve never once been nervous in my entire life.”

Rachel cocks her head and gives him a knowing look. 

“I’m getting  _ married _ , Rachel. It’s slightly surreal, if I’m honest.”

“You’re not getting cold feet, are you?”

Mike laughs nervously. “No. no, definitely not. I want this. I didn’t realize how much until Harvey actually asked me.”

“You didn’t always envision yourself getting married?”

Mike moves to sit down on the leather couch next to the mirror, his hand running along the arm of it. “Not really?”

Rachel sits down next to him, smiling softly. “Elaborate.”

“I guess I just never used to think that far ahead into the future, you know? I did think I’d get married but it was more like a – a concept for the far future.”

“And now it’s here,” Rachel says, her voice rising higher in excitement and he just wants to hug her. So he does.

The fabric of her dress is soft under his hands, her familiar scent wafting in his nose. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. It’s comforting, hugging her tightly. She’s almost as good as Harvey at calming him down.

“Your parents would be proud of you, Mike.”

Mike’s heart jumps in his ribcage and he sniffs once without meaning to.

“Thank you, Rachel.”

She pulls away after another minute and smiles at him, one hand on his arm. “Come on, let’s make an honest man out of you.”

 

**Present**

The rapid knocking against the front door of their condo already makes it pretty obvious who is behind it and when Mike rushes to open it, Donna is indeed standing on the other side. 

She has a face like thunder, accusing and angry, and she doesn’t even say anything as she brushes past Mike. Her steps are heavy and determined, and Mike knows that they’re about to have The Conversation. It’s sooner than he hoped but later than he expected. 

He follows her into the living room where she stops, turns around and looks at Mike, one hand on her hip. She’s wearing an elegant blue dress

“Harvey’s not here,” Mike tries, tired, but he knows it’s futile.

“You think I don’t know that?” Donna raises her eyebrows.

Mike looks at the floor. “Of course you do.”

She sets down her handbag on the arm of the couch, never taking her eyes off him. Mike’s heart seems to skip a beat and then resume its thumbing three times as fast. His chest feels hot and he’s sure that if he said something right now it wouldn’t be more than a raspy breath and a cough. He clears his throat.

“Do you want something to drink?” Mike asks, trying to fill the silence between them.

He doesn’t know why, but Donna’s facial expression softens, her arms now hanging laxly next to her and there’s a hint of a smile on her face. The change in her demeanor seems to take off some of the pressure on his ribcage. Mike never thought it would be like this between them, but he doesn’t know how much she knows and it makes him nervous. If there’s one thing he knows about her though, it’s how fiercely protective she is of Harvey, so he knows it’s only a matter of time until the softness will disappear again.

“Just water, thanks.”

Mike nods and heads into the kitchen, taking as long as humanly possible to fill a glass with water. His mind is running a mile a minute, undecided what to do. They had agreed – or rather Harvey had told him – that they didn’t want to tell anybody about Summers, their sessions, or the fact that they haven’t slept in the same bed for the last five months. Back then, Mike hadn’t thought about Donna’s uncanny ability to read people and now it seems kind of futile to him that Harvey wants to keep this from her of all people.

He sits down next to her on the couch, handing her the glass. She takes a sip then rests it on her knee, angling her body towards him.

“Something’s wrong,” she says softly. It’s a statement and not a question. Mike squares his shoulders.

“How can I help you?” he tries to deflect.

She rolls her eyes. “Don’t be daft, Mike. Wrong between you and Harvey.”

He doesn’t know how to reply and looks at his hands, biting his lip. It’s not like he can deny it, he wouldn’t insult her by pretending everything was fine and dandy.

Donna tries again. 

“Granted, I haven’t seen you in a while but Harvey is pretty obvious about it, even though he does try to hide it.”

It occurs to Mike that he never thought about if their private struggles are affecting either of their jobs. Mike knows that he has thrown himself into work in a way he hasn’t since he first started working at Pearson Hardman. The result of it was that even though it’s only been two and a half years since he’d started working at the charity organization he’s been offered a promotion for a senior position. Mike had been happy for all of five minutes before he realized he wouldn’t celebrate with Harvey.

“Mike?”

“Sorry,” he mumbles, trying to resist the urge to pull the sleeves of his sweater over his hands like he’s twelve. “You were saying?”

Donna smiles at him sadly, laying one hand on top of Mike’s.

“I know I promised not to meddle too much with your relationship, but, Mike,” she squeezes his hand, “you’re both not doing well. It doesn’t seem like one of your usual bumps, this has been going on for a while and I just want to help.”

“I appreciate that, Donna,” Mike says, squeezing back, “I do, but … we’ll be fine.”

He tries his best to school his features into an optimistic smile but judging from the way Donna tilts her head and presses her lips together he’s failing. She waits a moment before she speaks again.

“On your wedding day I told him that if he did anything to hurt you, I’d kick his ass, so if you need me to-“

“No,” Mike almost yells, immediately shooting a surprised Donna an apologetic look. “No, no. It … he didn’t do anything. No ass-kicking required, don’t worry about us. We’re dealing with it. It’s fine.”

“Mike, I can’t not worry about you two. I see Harvey every day and you almost every week. You’re family, I care about you.”

He knows that the words are meant well, that Donna isn’t trying to make him feel worse than he already does but Mike can’t help the wave of panic that sweeps over him, his heart pumping loudly in his chest, his ears growing hot. He feels like crying but he fights the urge because there is no way he could burst into tears in front of Donna and still get away with telling her that everything was fine. Plus, he feels ridiculous about the amount of times he has cried lately. He doesn’t think he has the right to, not really.

“Donna, I – “ he swallows, “I can’t tell you.”

“Mike, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what happened. You’re both obviously miserable and I hate seeing you like this.”

“You can’t do anything to help.” Mike swallows and stares at his feet. “I wish you could, believe me, but you can’t.”

When Mike looks up again, she looks like she is about to say something else, but she doesn’t. Instead, there is overt concern and worry all over her face

“Okay, well, I can see when I’m not wanted. I’m just trying to help.”  


She stands up, picking up her bag, and the sound of her heels on the wooden floor are in synch with his heartbeat as she walks across the living room. 

He closes his eyes and the words are on his tongue but he can't say them, though he feels like he needs to say _something_.  


"It's my fault."

Donna stops and turns around. "What did you do?"

Mike shakes his head and rubs his nose. "I can't tell you. I'm sorry."

“Mike-“

“I really can’t, Donna. I don’t want to betray his trust like that. Don’t make me.”

Her features soften, her smile sad. “You know I’m just trying to look out for you, right? Both of you.”

“Yeah. I know.” He smiles, or tries to.

When he hears the door close behind her, he finally gives up the fight against his tears. A hot, fat drop runs down his right cheek and he quickly wipes it away with the sleeve of his sweater.

 

**2016**

Rachel is the first one that spots him. She is looking past Harvey and Donna, and the smile that she directs him is so bright he can’t help but grin back. 

Mike fights his way through the crowd of students in their gowns all in search for their families or already deep in conversation with them, and it takes him another five minutes until he actually reaches them. Donna and Rachel both yell a loud  _ Congratulations! _ that manages to turn heads of a few people around them. Mike really doesn’t care and pulls both women into a tight hug. When he pulls away Rachel steals his graduation cap, putting it on her own head, and Mike finally catches Harvey’s eyes. The look he gets is fond and open, and for a short, guilty second he wishes Harvey and him were alone.

He doesn’t know if Donna is truly psychic or she just knows him well, but not even a minute she stops any further talk about the ceremony and graduation.

“Alright, we need to leave. I don’t think I can’t look at this hideous yellow thing everyone is wearing one more minute and all these adolescent hormones are going to give me a headache.”

“Yeah, let’s go, I’m getting hungry,” Rachel agrees, clutching her handbag in one hand and grabbing Donna’s arm with the other one. “Meet you at the parking lot in ten.”

They’re both smiling at each other as they turn around and start making their way through the crowd, Rachel once turning around to wink at Mike. Harvey steps closer when the two of them are out of sight and blue eyes meet brown ones.

“Look at you actually graduation something other than high school,” Harvey says, the humor thick in his voice.

“Oh, fuck off,” Mike laughs, “this is no space for Harvard douches.”

“Good thing you’re not one of them then,” Harvey says, placing a kiss on Mike’s forehead. Mike sighs and Harvey brings his arms around Mike, wrapping him in a tight embrace, comforting and warm.

“I did it,” Mike says when Harvey pulls away again. He’s pretty sure he hasn’t fully processed the fact that he just graduated from college after thinking he never would, but the relief and joy he feels are already enormous. It feels different than he expected.

“You did it.” Harvey waits a beat before continuing. “I’m proud of you, Mike. It takes balls to do what you did. Not many people would have started over completely like you have. You did good.”

Mike smiles brightly and thinks that this day can’t really get any better. “Thank you, Harvey. I don’t think I could have done this without you.”

“Yeah you could.” Despite the noise around them Mike can hear the gentleness in Harvey’s voice. “You’re the strongest person I know.”

Mike’s eyes widen and he feels overwhelmed with love and gratitude and adoration that he pulls Harvey into a kiss. It’s short but sweet and Mike hope Harvey knows what Mike is trying to convey, but when they break apart and Harvey is smiling a soft and private smile, Mike thinks he did understand. He doesn’t step away but leans their foreheads against each other.

“I love you. Thank you.”

“Love you too.” Harvey kisses Mike’s temple. “Let’s get out of here.”

 

**Present**

“As a law firm, we take pro bono cases like this one to help people who otherwise wouldn’t have the privilege to be rightfully represented in court.” Jessica is standing on a stage at the back of the room, a single searchlight illuminating her. She looks ethereal, Mike thinks. “But that can’t be the end of it, it’s only the beginning. We need to do more and this event is our way of doing so. Tonight, I urge you to open your pockets and help people who need it. Help people who struggle to provide a roof over their head or to provide for their families. Help people because they deserve better.”

The attendants of Pearson Specter’s Annual Charity event clap loudly as Jessica descents from the stage, a graceful smile on her lips. Mike watches for a moment as people stop her, happily talking to her and Jessica responding with just as many smiles and wit, the way she always does when she’s on a mission to charm someone.

He doesn’t see her very often anymore since he quit the firm six years ago. The only times are parties the firm hosts that he attends with Harvey, or the odd unannounced visit at their condo when she berates Harvey for one thing or the other. Their encounters never extend past any small talk and Mike hopes to keep it that way. She’s intimidating in a way nobody else he knows is, added by the fact that she had been the only one who openly threatened to blow the whistle when she found out about him and his lack of law degree.

A hand on his arm rips Mike out of his thoughts.

“Rachel!”

“Mike!” She pulls him into a hug and it makes Mike realize how tense he has been. He shakes the thought and smiles.

“Harvey,” she says, turning to Mike’s right.

“Rachel,” Harvey replies, smiling and nodding.

“You both came straight for the office, didn’t you?” Rachel asks, stopping a waiter walking past them who’s carrying a tray with flutes of champagne and grabbing one.

“You say that as if we always do that,” Harvey says and Mike laughs politely. God, he misses their laughter.

If Rachel notices that something is off, she doesn’t mention it but quickly delves into a story about her recent trip overseas. While Mike talks to her almost every day, he hasn’t actually seen her in a while, so watching her chat happily is a sight for sore eyes as far as Mike is concerned. Rachel is warm and enthusiastic in a very comforting way and he’s a minute away from wrapping her into a hug just because he appreciates the normalcy of it so much.

Rachel steps away again when she spots someone behind Mike who makes her stop mid-sentence, her eyes growing wide in surprise. Mike turns around to see who it could be that causes that kind of reaction in her, but Rachel is gone by the time Mike stops scanning the crowd and thinks to ask her. He basks in the amusement for a moment before he remembers that it’s only Harvey and him again with nothing to say to each other. Mike looks down at his feet, trying to think of something neutral to say, but no topic that pops into his head isn’t a potential with minefields and he really doesn’t want one to go off in the middle of a charity event.

Suddenly, Harvey steps in front of Mike, places a hand on his hip and leans towards him, his mouth right next to Mike’s ear. Mike shivers when he feels Harvey’s breath tickle over his skin. It occurs to him that this is the closest they’ve been to each other in a long time and it feels like the whole world zooms in on the points where they’re touching.

Mike’s breaths grows shallow and he wants nothing more than to turn his head and kiss Harvey but his confusion and surprise freezes him into place. While he may be frozen on the outside, his insides are an entire different matter. He’s pretty sure that his heart is beating faster than what’s healthy, and his thoughts are racing, trying to figure out what caused Harvey’s complete change in demeanor towards Mike. It hits him how much he missed this everyday ease they had with each other and it almost gives him whiplash to suddenly have it back.

“Look over my right shoulder. Do you see the couple walking towards us? Middle aged woman in that purple dress? Guy wearing the grey suit?”

“Yeah,” Mike replies and it comes out more like a breath than a word.

“I’ve been trying to close them all week, so I need you to put on your most charming smile.”

Harvey pulls away before Mike can reply and while it gives Mike some answers, his head is whirring with even more questions than before. The one that screams the loudest in his head is if Harvey really thinks that because they’re having marital problems, Mike is going to screw with Harvey’s work? He knows that trust has been broken between them but he didn’t think it was  _ this _ bad. 

“Harvey,” the woman in the purple dress says, voice pleasant, smile inviting.

“Diane,” Harvey replies, his tone equally pleasant, and extends his hand towards her. She shakes it and they smile at each other. 

Mike takes a deep breath, trying to swipe his mind clean, not that it’s working. He wants to go find a quiet corner and ask Harvey what the hell he’s doing, wants an explanation that will make sense of all of this, but instead he’s standing in front of a middle aged couple who will probably soon pay the firm at least two months’ worth of salary.  

“Diane, Robert, this is my husband, Mike Ross.”

“Pleasure to meet you,” Mike says and he does his best to do just as Harvey said: put on his most charming smile.

 

**Session Seven**

“What did you argue about after the party? It was a work function for Mister Specter’s firm, wasn’t it?”

The pressing silence is back again and Mike thinks he almost misses their shouting matches.

“It started small,” he says, wishing he had something to do with his hands, “but it escalated.”

“Escalate in which way?” Summers’ eyebrows are raised so high that they seem to disappear into her hairline. 

“Verbally,” Mike quickly cuts her off. He doesn’t think that if Summers finishes that thought in the way that Mike thinks she will, then there is no way Mike will get Harvey to come back here.

“What started the argument?”

“I guess, I did,” Mike says, staring at his hands in his lap. “We were at a charity event of Harvey’s firm. It was … frustrating because we had to pretend. There were people there who knew about our relationship the beginning, but none of them know about our situation, so we had to pretend like everything was normal when it’s not.”

“What did you argue about?”

“At first about annoyances, small things. But we came back to the bigger things. Work, a dinner with a client, some plans we had. The kiss.”

“Did you resolve the argument?”

“We didn’t. I …,” Mike sighs, “I just went to my room, went to sleep after a while.”

“Do you do that often? Go to bed angry at the other?”

“It happens.”

“But how often does it happen, Mister Specter?”

Harvey tilts his head. “More often than not.”

“That is something the two of you really need to work on. That should be your goal: never go to sleep angry at your partner.”

Mike kneads his thumbs but nods. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Harvey sit there unmoving.

“Mister Specter, how did you feel when Mike told you what he did? About the kiss?”

It’s subtle, but Mike sees all the signs that Harvey would rather be anywhere else than here. That certain topic has always been a touchy one and they haven’t really addressed it yet. It was only a matter of time, but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

“I already told him, there’s no need to repeat what I said.”

Summers leans forward in her chair. “That’s why you’re here, Mister Specter. To communicate, to talk things out.”

“How the hell would it make anyone feel? My husband went and kissed someone who isn’t me. I feel pissed off and betrayed. He definitely made one hell of a point.”

Mike remembers the words Harvey said that night.  _ I feel like I’m not good enough. Like you finally realized that I’m not good enough. Like you woke up and finally see all the reasons why you shouldn’t be with me. _

“What do you mean by Mike making a point?”

“I didn’t mean to make a point. I don’t know, it was … I was drunk and hurt. I just did it. I didn’t think.”

“Did something specific happen before that, Mike, or was it because of your general frustration at your situation with your husband?”

“We had an argument,” Harvey says, crossing his legs, “I asked Mike for a divorce.”

Summers starts scribbling. “Was that the first time either of you made that statement?”

“Yes.”

“And did you mean it, Mister Specter?”

Harvey shifts in his seat. “No. Maybe. I was confused about what Mike wanted. The past four months hadn’t been easy, we avoided each other a lot. Ignored each other. I thought it meant that Mike was done, that he didn’t care anymore.”

“So you suggested a divorce because you thought Mike was unhappy? To give him a way out of the marriage and see if he wanted it in the first place?” Harvey nods, staring at Summers, and Mike feels something like panic well up inside him. “What did the kiss tell you?”

“That something was wrong enough between us that Mike would do something like this. Even though he knew-“ Harvey stops himself and Mike closes his eyes.

“Knew what?”

“Even though he knew how it would impact me.”

“Because of your issues with your mother?”

Harvey is silent and Mike opens his eyes to see Harvey nodding. Mike scrunches his eyebrows in confusion and a subtle feeling of dread creeps up his back, spreading like scorching heat. It takes him a moment to realize why it’s happening, but then it clicks: they’ve never talked about Harvey’s mother in the seven sessions they had so far. Mike turns his head towards Harvey and speaks.

“How does she know about your mother?”

Harvey doesn’t look at him, but keeps staring at the coffee table that’s standing between the couch their sitting on and Summers’ chair.

“I came here after my panic attack two weeks ago. We talked about my triggers and she came up.”

“Oh.” It’s all that Mike can say. He wants to say more, a lot more, wants to say that they’re attending therapy to try and fix things and Harvey not telling him he came here is the opposite of fixing things. Wants to say that Mike sometimes thinks Harvey wants to actually fix anything between them. But Mike doesn’t want to argue, not in general and definitely not in front of Summers. Not right now. He’s so  _ tired _ of arguing with Harvey.

It eats at him though, and when he closes his eyes he takes a deep breath, guilt grips his heart like a vice. The feeling is almost familiar at this point if it wasn’t for the anger he’s feeling as well. He’s so lost in it that he doesn’t catch the beginning of what Summers is saying.

“I’m afraid we’ve run out of time today but we’ll see each other next week. In the meantime try to think of what I said and actually try and talk things out.” She smiles, nods, and stands up.

 

**Present**

“I never thought you weren’t enough.”

Harvey stops with his hand resting on the door handle of the master bedroom, his back turned to Mike. The words come out of Mike’s mouth before he can stop them, but Harvey isn’t moving so Mike figures he needs to keep going as long as he has Harvey’s full attention.

“I never thought you weren’t worthy. Or that you weren’t good enough. You are. You always have been.”

“If that was true, you wouldn’t have kissed someone else. We wouldn’t be going to goddamn  _ therapy _ .”

Anger surges up in Mike’s chest but he tries to ignore it. His voice still leaves his lips trembling. “You told me you wanted a divorce, Harvey. What the hell was I supposed to think?”

“I didn’t mean it – “

“I know that now, but I didn’t know that then!” Harvey still hasn’t turned around, but the door is still closed so Mike takes it as a good sign. “I didn’t know it was some test to see where I stood. I was stupid and scared and drunk and I’m  _ so sorry _ .”

“So what? It was my fault you kissed someone who isn’t your husband? I made you do it?”

“What? No, no.” Mike takes a deep breath and asks himself if Harvey actually wants to understand him or if he’s so hurt or stubborn that he doesn’t even remotely want to slip into Mike’s shoes. 

“You could have asked me instead of assuming what I wanted or … or testing me like that. You told me you wanted a divorce, Harvey. That you didn’t want me anymore. It hurt so bad. Hell, it made me feel like  _ I _ wasn’t good enough anymore. Maybe I’m not.”

He can see how tense Harvey’s shoulders are and Mike guesses that his knuckles are white around the door handle. The lump in Mike’s throat builds and builds.

“But I still love you and I’m more sorry than I could ever tell you. I just want … I just want us back.”

Mike tries to blink back the tears when Harvey closes the door behind himself.


	5. storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I really need to apologise for how long it took me to update this and I could list all the boring reasons why but the main thing is that I'm sorry for this. On that note, shoutout to Since I've Been Loving You by Led Zeppelin for finally giving me back my writing muse and which is 70% of the reason I finally managed to finish it. Also, I think there are about 2 or 3 chapters left of this story so get ready for the final spurt!   
> Okay, this is all from me for now! As always thanks a lot for reading and I hope you enjoy it!

**2015**

Mike jumps when he feels a pair of arms wrap around him. He immediately recognizes the hold and the smell and relaxes again.

“Jesus, Harvey.”

Harvey kisses Mike’s neck, resting his chin on Mike’s shoulder. “Hello to you too, sweetheart.”

Mike grins as he turns around, wrapping his arms around Harvey’s neck and pulling him close. Their noses bump into each other gently as their lips connect in a kiss lazy and lingering, an unspoken apology from Harvey for being home late. 

“What are you making?”

“Your favorite of course.” 

“So, the only thing you can actually cook.”

“Harvey, you better not disrespect my pasta sauce like this or I may have to rethink that whole marriage thing.”

Harvey scoffs, smirking, and leans back, giving Mike the space to turn back towards to stove. The pasta is still cooking happily in the pot and Mike checks the time to make sure he’s not overcooking it. He hears Harvey place what sounds a stack of papers on the counter before walking towards his study. Mike quickly sets out dishes and cutlery on the kitchen island and tastes the entire thing again before he pours it onto the plates. He’s standing in front of the cabinet with the glasses, contemplating if Harvey’s in the mood for beer or wine when Harvey walks back into the kitchen, looking slightly sheepish.

“Beer or wine, Harvey?” 

“Scotch.”

“For dinner?”

“That’s the kind of day I’m having yes.”

“Damn,” Mike replies, grabbing one of Harvey’s scotch glasses and putting it on the kitchen island. He grabs a bottle of beer out of the fridge for himself, putting it next to his plate. He sits down on the bar stool next to Harvey.

“Aren’t you glad you’re home?” Mike says, raising his bottle of beer and clinking against Harvey’s glass. 

“I am,” Harvey says, taking a sip, “but I wouldn’t celebrate too soon. The day isn’t over yet.”

“You’ve brought home more work?”

“In a sense.” Harvey empties the rest of the amber liquid in one gulp and Mike raises his eyebrows. Harvey is silent as he stares at the white tiles, uneasiness creeping in, shaping the air into sharp shards. Mike swallows.

“Okay, how about you stop being all cryptic and just tell me?”

Harvey’s gaze on Mike is steady, seemingly readying himself for something which only makes Mike even more aware that something must be wrong. Harvey surprises him by kissing Mike, short and firm, before pulling back.

“Look at the papers I put on the counter earlier.”

Mike stands up and two steps later, he picks the document up off the counter. He scans the first page and drops it back down, trying to keep his hands from balling into fists and to keep his breathing under control. He looks at Harvey and speaks.

“This is a prenup.”

“Yes.”

“I don’t want it,” Mike says, shaking his head _. _

Harvey sighs. “Mike, you’re going to sign it.”

“No, I’m not Harvey.”

“Goddamn it, please just listen to me-“

The hint of annoyance in Harvey’s voice is what feels like the last straw in Mike’s patience. 

“I’m not letting you do this, I’m not letting you put a price on our marriage-“

“I’m just trying to look out for you, Mike, it-“

“Look out for me? More like already planning how our marriage is going to end before it even started!”

Mike can feel his words ringing around the kitchen, a deafening silence that confuses him even more because Harvey takes much longer than expected to break it.

“That’s not what I’m doing,” Harvey says. He sounds tired, weary, and some of Mike’s anger fades into concern.

“I’m marrying you because I love you, Harvey, not because I want your money.”

“I know, Mike, that’s is not what this is about.”

“Then what the hell is it about?”

“Please, just read the whole document.”

Mike does and his eyes widen when he gets to the second page of the prenup. This can’t be right. He looks up at Harvey with his mouth open. Harvey speaks before Mike can get a word out.

“Yes, those figures are correct and they’re non-negotiable.”

“Harvey, this is way more than I would have the right to claim.”

“I know.”

“I don’t understand, why are you doing this?”

Harvey lets out a tired sigh, but he seems to perk up a little now that Mike isn’t hell-bent on fighting him tooth and nail. It makes Mike feels a little guilty about it, but not enough to apologize right away. He still doesn’t know what to think about this.

“I took away your chance of pursuing the career you always wanted to have.”

“Harvey-“

“No, let me finish. Please.” Mike nods and Harvey 

“I know you’re excited to go work for charity organizations, and you’re going to be brilliant at it.” Harvey takes a deep breath. “But it’s not gonna be what you’ve always wanted to do. So if this thing between us is ever going to go south than I want you to not have to worry about money. At least not for a long while.”

“You’re going to earn a hell of a lot more money at the firm than I ever will doing charity work.”

“Exactly. I want you to be able to continue to do it no matter if we’re together or not.”

“Harvey, I survived with a lot less than I will make and I can do it again.”

“Maybe.” Harvey sets down the glass of scotch and rubs a hand over his face. “I could give you a list of reasons why I drew up that contract, but what it comes down to is that … I just need you to let me do this for you.”

It makes sense, suddenly. Mike looks at Harvey’s figure in front of him. Eyes open and hopeful, the empty tumbler of scotch still in his hand, his shoulders tense. It’s obvious that he’s feeling vulnerable about this, at least it is to Mike, and the fact tells Mike even more than Harvey said with words. Mike takes a deep breath and feels the anger from before not diminish completely but fade a little, becoming less sharp.

“Is this your letter of indulgence then?”

Harvey scoffs quietly and looks up at Mike. “Something like it, I guess.”

Mike steps forwards and wraps his arms around Harvey, feeling the tense muscles relax under his touch.

“You need you to stop feeling guilty about the lawyer thing, Harvey, because that’s not how I see it.”

Harvey’s hand wanders to the nape of Mike’s neck, his thumb running along the back of Mike’s ear in a soothing motion. It takes a while for Harvey to reply. “How do you see it then?”

“Without you I wouldn’t have had a shot at doing it at the first place. You let me have it for a while. It was more than I could have asked for.”

Mike likes to think he’s pretty close to being able to tell what Harvey is thinking at any given moment but right now he’s at a loss. Harvey buries his face into the curve of Mike’s neck and shoulder, a position Mike does not usually find himself in if they’re not in bed together and he cherishes it as much as possible.

“Okay,” Harvey answers after a few more silent moments. Mike kisses his temple and Harvey sits up in the bar stool.

“Harvey?” Mike waits until Harvey is looking at him. “I’ll sign it. I hope I’m never going to see any of that money, though.”

“Yeah, me too.” Harvey kisses Mike’s forehead and lets his lips rest there for a moment, the plates with cold pasta forgotten.

 

**Session Nine**

“-and I guess some people would call us workaholics, but we’ve always both worked a lot. I mean it’s how we met, that has to say something.”

“Have either of you started working more ever since your problems began?” Summer asks, pushing up her glasses on the bridge of her nose.

Mike looks at his hands. “Yeah, I guess we did.”

“Mister Specter?”

“My billables have certainly gone up, yes.”

Mike briefly wonders when Harvey started working billable hours at all, but the fact that they’re sitting in the office of a couple’s therapist may already be answer enough for why Mike didn’t know about it. He takes a deep breath, trying to focus.

“How many hours a day do you two spend both at home on an average day?”

“About two or three hours a day. In the evening mostly.”

“How much is that compared to how it used to be?”

“Half as much,” Mike says after a beat, and it comes out like a nostalgic whisper. God, Mike misses what they used to be.

“So you only see each other for very few hours a day-“

“We do still work together occasionally,” Harvey interrupts. “I see Mike quite often since I do a lot of pro bono work for the charity he works at.”

“But that’s work and not your marriage, Mister Specter. It’s not time you can just spend together. You can’t work on your marriage while you’re working, can you?”

Harvey turns his head away from Summers and doesn’t say anything. It’s silent for a moment.

“I could reduce my working hours,” Mike says, quieter than he intended. Summers looks at him expectantly.

“Yes, very good, Mike. Compromises are important.”

“There are some tasks I’m currently completing even though it’s technically not my responsibility. I can drop them.”

“What about you, Mister Specter, are you willing to sacrifice some clients for your marriage?”

“I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t.”

“Because you still love your husband?” Summers asks and Mike’s breath stops.

Harvey nods and Mike decides it’s enough. It has to be.

 

**2016**

It’s so hot outside that, looking back, Mike has no idea how he survived wearing a suit the whole day. Objectively he knows, it’s because the offices are all air conditioned to a very comfortable temperature but as soon as he stepped outside the building, he knew he was going to regret that morning’s decision to bike to work. Now he’s lying on their bed in nothing but his boxers and a T-shirt, stretching all over the bed, limbs pointing in all directions.

His eyes fall closed and he feels the slight breeze of the air conditioner cooling his skin slowly. It’s almost as good as having Harvey’s somehow perpetually cool skin touching him.

Mike doesn’t know how long he lies there but he opens his eyes again when he hears Harvey call his name.

“In here!” His call is muffle from half his face pressing into the comforter but a few moments later he hears Harvey’s footsteps so it must’ve been loud enough.

“That’s a nice sight to come home to,” is the first thing Harvey says, voice quiet and appreciative. Mike’s stomach flutters and he smiles into the duvet. He feels almost ridiculous about his reaction. He rolls onto his back so he can properly see his husband and Mike thinks he’s never going to get used to how  _ good _ Harvey looks in a suit, no matter how often or how long Mike is exposed to the sight. 

Harvey sweeps his gaze over up and down, all over Mike’s body, and it’s almost as if Mike can physically feel it, like a tip of a finger running over his skin. His heartbeat picks up when Harvey meets his eyes. Almost on instinct, Mike slides his feet down the bed so they’re stretched, lying loosely, silently urging Harvey to come nearer, but Harvey doesn’t move. It’s as frustrating as it is arousing because Harvey just keeps  _ looking _ as if he has all the time in the world, as if he knows that Mike wouldn’t move as long he wanted to.

When Harvey finally breaks out of his stillness, it’s not to step closer to the bed, but instead he starts taking off his suit jacket. It’s not the direction that Mike thought this would be going but he has absolutely no complains when Harvey starts to unbutton his crispy white dress shirt, slowly but steadily. One by one, smooth skin is revealed and Mike has half a mind to get up and kiss the trail Harvey’s hands are exposing. Although, Mike hopes that it’s Harvey that’s going to come to him instead. 

Without much further teasing, Harvey takes off his pants and socks, his lips cocking into a smirk when he hears the shaky way Mike inhales as Harvey is standing there in only his briefs and a white t-shirt. He stands at the foot of the bed for another moment just looking at Mike in a way that is sending a shiver down Mike’s spine.

Instead of crawling over to Mike like he expects, Harvey gets into bed on his side and leans against the headboard, crossing his ankles and looking at Mike.

“You’re not serious?”

“Come over here.”

“Ugh,” Mike grumbles, “don’t wanna move.” He hopes it’s enough to change Harvey’s mind.

“Well, suit yourself,” Harvey says, stretching his arms before folding his hands behind his head, leaning against the pillows on top of their bed.

Mike sighs. The distance between them just won’t do, so he does what Harvey probably wanted him to do in the first place and turns, crawling over. Mike considers it a private and small kind of revenge when Harvey huffs as Mike lies down on top of him, Mike’s head resting on Harvey’s chest. Harvey brings one arm around Mike and Mike closes his eyes, silently agreeing that this position is much more comfortable than the way he was before. 

Finally feeling completely at ease after a long and exhausting day, Mike allows his mind to drift off, the sound of Harvey’s heartbeat chasing away thoughts of anything relating to the worries of the day. Mike is brought back when Harvey speaks.

“Did work get any better?”

Mike scoffs. “No. The accounts are still a mess and I still have no idea why. Thankfully, Kevin sent me home before they drove me completely insane.”

“You bring them with you?”

“No, didn’t want to spend tonight doing work.”

Harvey takes on of Mike’s hands and entwines their fingers. “Then tell me something good that happened today.”

Mike opens his eyes, taking in the amazing view the window in their bedroom gives him of New York. He has to think less about coming up with something that he thought he would have to.

“Someone with the very same name as me called at the office today.”

“Another Mike Ross?” Mike can’t see it but he thinks Harvey must be smiling.

“Yeah. Surprisingly, the first time that something like that happened to me.”

Harvey breathes a laugh. “So how did it feel, Mister Ross?”

“Are you making fun of me, Mister Specter.”

“Of course not,” Harvey says, softer than Mike expects.

“It was pretty normal, really. But Ross is a common enough name so I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later.”

“Well, you  _ could have _ had Mike Specter I can tell you from experience that it’s not very common.”

Mike finally raises his head so he can look at Harvey.

“Does it bother you?”

“What?”

“That I wanted to keep my last name?”

“No,” Harvey says after a beat, running his thumb over Mike’s eyebrow, “I understand why you wanted to.”

“It’s just …” Mike swallows. “I didn’t want Grammy to be the last Ross in our family.”

Harvey smiles softly, kissing Mike’s forehead. “I know.”

Mike lies his head back down, looking at the other side this time, this time nothing but a wooden dresser and a tall white wall in his view. It’s a jarring contrast to the opposite side of the room.

“We should hang up Grammy’s panda on that wall.”

“You want your grandmother’s panda to watch us have sex?”

Mike makes a horrified face. “On a second thought … maybe we should put it somewhere else.”

“Good call,” Harvey says, laughing.

“We should still hang up something. Look at how bare that wall is.”

“Agreed.”

“Do you have a piece in mind already?”

“You sound like you think I have a safe full of famous paintings hidden somewhere.”

“You seem like the type.”

“Good to know what my husband thinks of me.”

“Well, if that duck painting in your office is anything to go by, I hope the other painting you’re hiding looks significantly better.”

Harvey doesn’t reply so Mike closes his eyes again.

“My mother painted it.”

Mike raises his head in surprise, his chin resting on Harvey’s chest. “The duck painting?”

“Yeah. It’s probably the only good memory I have of her,” Harvey speaks, soft and lost in the past. “I remember Marcus and I sitting on the couch, watching her paint, listening to our dad’s records. It was a couple of days before he came back from tour, I know, because I remember my mother saying that it just finished drying when she showed it to him. ”

“How old were you?”

“About six or seven, I think.”

Mike tries to imagine Harvey at that age and his lips move into a grin on their own accord and Mike managed to keep himself from giggling just so.

“What?” Harvey asks, eyes narrowed and suspicious.

“Nothing, just trying to imagine little six year old Harvey Specter. Did you already slick back your hair? Wear a suit everywhere?”

“Listen here you little shit-“

“- you tell the other kids in school to play the man not-“

“- you  _ will _ regret this, I promise-“

“- throw big words around and talk-“

Before Mike knows it, Harvey has turned them around, pressing Mike into the mattress. A smiling Harvey who is visibly struggling not to laugh himself is hovering over Mike, and Mike thinks they could both stay like this forever, rolling around half naked in their bed while laughing, and he’d be okay with it. Before either of them can do or say anything else, Mike buries his hands in Harvey’s hair and closes the short distance between their lips.

Harvey’s tongue runs along his bottom lip, silently begging for entrance so Mike parts his lips. The familiar taste fills Mike and he moans, the vibrations of it causing his lips to tickle against Harvey’s. One hand tangled into Harvey’s hair, Mike uses the other to run along Harvey’s side, feeling the muscles of Harvey’s back clench and unclench under his hands.

They’re rudely interrupted by the loud rumbling of Mike’s stomach.

“You didn’t have anything to eat yet?”

“Of course, it was my full stomach that was rumbling like that.”

Harvey rolls his eyes and doesn’t dignify it with an answer. “Takeaway?”

“Perfect.”

Harvey gets up to order their food and Mike watches him leave the room. Also not a bad view, Mike thinks.

 

**Present**

“Rachel, I’m sorry, but I’m really not in the mood to go out for lunch today. If you called ahead I would have saved you the trip to my office.”

Rachel takes a seat in the chair on the other side of Mike’s desk. 

“Mike, I basically live around the corner. I told you it’s fine, I don’t mind.” She puts on hand on his desk, looking like she’s contemplating if to say something or not. Mike looks back at the screen of the laptop in front of him.

“We don’t have to go out if you don’t want to. I just thought you might want some company, that’s all.”

Mike sighs, but he hasn’t seen her in a week and if he’s honest he could do with some company. Evenings spent alone in the guest room of their condo have the habit of making you feel pretty lonely.

“So you know what day it is?”

Rachel’s smile is kind and full of sympathy.

“I know what day it is. Plus, I think your grandmother would come back to haunt me if I ever forgot.”

Mike laughs for the first time that day at the mental image of Grammy as a ghost he already is glad he didn’t push her away. He forgets sometimes, that he doesn’t have to push with everybody.

He opens one of the drawers of his desk, finding the takeout menus and offering them to Rachel. “Only condition is that it has to be one of these places because I wasn’t lying when I said I don’t really want to go out.”

“Let’s have it then.” Rachel grabs the menus and starts reading through them. They’re silent for a while, Rachel scouting for food and Mike staring at the space bar of his laptop while playing with the golden wedding band around his finger. He desperately tries not to think about what he usually does on the anniversary of Grammy’s death.

“It’s been six years since she died.” The words leave his mouth before he really thinks about it.

Rachel looks up from the menu. 

“It feels longer than that but at the same time it’s like it was yesterday that she reminded me to keep away from Trevor.” 

“You must really miss her.”

“I do. Every day.” He closes the lid of his laptop. “I just wish I could talk to her sometimes. Especially lately. She would have known what to do.”

Suddenly, the door opens. First, Mike jumps, and when he sees who’s entering the room he feels his chest constricting. He’d remembered.

“Harvey,” Mike says, “What are you doing here?”

Harvey eyebrows rise when he sees that Mike isn’t alone and Mike can already tell that whatever the reason that Harvey came to see him in his office for the first time in months, he’s not going to stay now.

“I thought maybe you wanted to grab something to eat, but I see you’re busy so I’ll leave you to it.” Harvey nods, turns, and walks out.

“Wait! Harvey-“

The door falls shut.

Mike shoots Rachel and apologetic look and jogs across the room, follows Harvey out of the room. Apparently, he didn’t expect Mike to follow him because he’s already a handful of steps away.

“Harvey, please wait.”

He stops after taking to more steps and turns around, Mike has time to catch up to him but Harvey already waves him off.

“I just thought we could keep the tradition, but it’s fine.”

Mike can see the muscles of Harvey’s jaw work so he knows it’s the opposite of fine. Mike is frozen, unsure what to do, and it roots him into place. He doesn’t want to argue, not here where anyone could see or listen, but he doesn’t want to leave things like this either, tense and wrong.

“I’m sorry. Honestly. I didn’t expect you to come by.”

Harvey flinches and Mike wishes he hadn’t said anything at all. 

“It told you it’s fine,” Harvey says, but his voice is betraying him. He plasters a smile on his face that could fool most people, but not Mike. “I’ll see you tonight at home.”

Mike watches him walk through the hall towards the exit, thinking about how Harvey’s retreating back is something he has seen much too often lately.

 

**Session Ten**

Summers taps her pen against the notebook in her lap, giving Harvey a confused look. “So you believe that all parents inevitably screw up their children, even through accidental ways?”

“Yes, that’s what I said.”

“So you don’t want any children because you’re afraid of the responsibility that comes with them?”

“No, it’s not the responsibility. I make decisions for Fortune 500 companies and handle their future every day. That’s my work and I do it well, so it’s not responsibility. It’s simply the fact that I don’t want to screw up another person. I believe there are people who aren’t fit to be parents and I’m one of them. I’m not made to be a father.”

“You make it out like you’re doomed to turn the child into a bad person, but no parent knows how to raise a child. People might have completely different ideas about how to go about it but it’s always more of a trial and error basis and to do the best any parent can. And if adults have problems it usually stems from their own experience. It doesn’t have to mean-“

“ _ You _ bring a child into the world, though. And yes, part of who they become is shaped by their experiences and society, but parents definitely lay the groundwork for all of it. The first few years of their lives will affect  _ everything _ they’ll ever know after. You screw that up and you’ve screwed up your own flesh and blood for the rest of their lives.”

Summers nods slowly. “I understand your opinion, Mister Specter. How about you Mike, do you want children?”

It takes Mike to register that he is being addressed, head whirring from everything Harvey has said. He knew how Harvey felt about children, but hearing it voiced out loud feels so much more final. 

He takes long enough to answer Summers’ question that Harvey’s head whips around. Mike had agreed with him about not wanting children before they got married, but things had changed in last three years, including himself. He often finds himself smiling at children throwing mud at each other, or laughing with gurgling babies, and then there is: the kick in the heart that always follows. But Harvey has always been insistent, in that silent way of his that Mike thought he would be able to make that sacrifice.

“I’m busy with my career,” Mike says, “I’m barely thirty.”

“You … want kinds?” Harvey asks it slowly, as if he’s having a revelation. 

Mike shrugs, persistently keeping his eyes on his hands. He doesn’t think he can look at Harvey. He doesn’t want to see it in his eyes if this is what’s going to break them. Not infidelity, not work or incompatibility, but Mike’s desire to have children. But it feels like this secret he kept for so long is tearing him apart so needs to know if they can figure it out. If they can’t then maybe, maybe, there is no point in trying to fix it. Mike swallows heavily and collects his thoughts. He turns his head to look at Harvey.

“It was a sacrifice I was willing to make. Just to be with you, then to keep our marriage together.”

“Mike-“

“I knew you didn’t want to have children, that it’s not something that would make you happy. Plus, there was always a chance that you would change your mind later, further down the line.”

Harvey doesn’t say anything but keeps staring, burning holes into Mike.

“Does that upset you, Mike? That your husband doesn’t want to have any children with you?”

Harvey’s head snaps back towards Summers. “What do you mean  _ with you _ ? Are you saying I’d want children with someone else?”

“I’m not implying anything of the sort, I’m simply saying you don’t want any children with your husband, Mister Specter.”

Mike can feel the anger vibrating off of Harvey and Mike is not completely sure why the statement has got him as riled up as it has. If it’s the implication of  _ someone else _ , Mike understands full well.

“Alright,” Summer says, writing down another note, “let’s revisit that topic another time.”


	6. hours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for reading!!

**Present**

There are three rapid knocks on the door to Mike’s room and he stands up so quickly he almost falls over his own feet. He’s almost glad that he’s alone and doesn’t have to suffer through the embarrassment of having a witness. He takes a deep breath before he walks over to the door and opens it.

As expected, it’s Harvey on the other side.

“Are you busy?”

“No, no, just, you know, reading.” He hates how he trips over his words as if he’s intimidated or nervous when it’s just Harvey. Harvey doesn’t acknowledge it other than nodding.

“Marcus called and invited us for Christmas dinner. I told him we’re already invited somewhere else, just so you know.”

“You don’t want to go?”

“Do you?”

“I …” Mike is speechless, confused, angry and sad all at the same time. He did not expect to have this conversation and he knows it irrational but he’s angry at Harvey for springing this on him without any preamble.

“Hang on, why aren’t we just going to your brother’s for Christmas like every year?”

There’s an unbelieving smirk on Harvey’s face as if he can’t believe what he’s hearing. It’s a look that belongs in court and not in their home and Mike tries to keep a grip on this anger and his tongue.

“Are you telling me that this year you’re in the mood to celebrate Christmas with my brother and the rest of my family? Enduring them and their questions is annoying at the best of times, let alone now.”

“Then why don’t we… go to Alfonso’s? Or that new Greek place. Just… go out together. We don’t need to spend it with family or friends but I do want to spend Christmas with my husband.“

“Oh, so you remembered that we’re married? Did you have a little amnesia there, sweetie?”

Mike can’t do anything but stare at Harvey, Mike’s mouth falling open, the familiar burning rising behind his eyes.

“Sorry,” Harvey says and it sounds sincere enough for Mike to know he means it. “That wasn’t fair.”

“It’s fine.” Mike remembers Summers and telling them not to lie about their true feelings, but right now he can’t do anything about the truth so he leaves it. Instead, he tries to compose himself.

“You could just go without me, Harvey, you should see your family for Christmas. Don’t let me keep you.”

“Go alone and put up with even more questions? I don’t think so.”

“Well, I’m sure if you-“ 

“I don’t like pretending. Not … when it comes to this. Us.”

“Right. Thanks for… letting me know then.”

Harvey turns and walks back towards the master bedroom. Mike stands, frozen in the same spot, open door and a cracked heart.

 

**Session Thirteen**

Mike had been wondering when they would get to this. They had mentioned it a few times, skirted around the issue in favor of bigger ones in the current session, but this one had to come up at some point. 

“How is your sex life?”

“Fine.”

“Good.”

Summers looks at both of them as if she’s waiting for them to elaborate. None of them does. 

“Alright. How often do you have sex?”

Mike knew this conversation was going to be uncomfortable but he’s already feeling more awkward than he thought he would, his hands getting clammy, a pressure building behind his left temple. He hears Harvey clear his throat and he knows that he probably feels the same.

“We haven’t in …” Harvey pauses.

“Almost four months.” Mike remembers not only because of the nature of his brain but because it had been Mike’s birthday.

“And the divorce statement and the kiss happened about three months ago is that correct?”

Mike nods.

“Before that, how often did you have sex?”

Mike exhales slowly, trying to think of how to answer and scrambling for an explanation. “We both worked a lot so we came home tired and …”

Harvey clears his throat again, putting his arm on the back of the couch they’re sitting on. His fingertips are a short distance from Mike’s shoulder and if he thought about it, he swears he feels the warmth radiating from them and through the cotton of his shirt. It’s the closest he’s willingly been in weeks.

“About once or twice a week in the last half year,” Harvey says, a bored drawl.

“On average,” Mike mutters, staring at his hands again.

“I see. Did you have sex more often before that?”

“Yes.”

“Yes.”

They almost answer at the same time. Mike glances to his left side and sees Harvey looking back at him and for a moment it feels like their thoughts are back in sync for the first time in six months. He knows that Harvey too, is thinking of the countless hours both of them have spent in bed, naked with not an inch between them, filling out the other, in and out. 

It only lasts for two seconds before Mike has to look away, reminded where they are and why. He looks at Summers as he elaborates.

“Throughout our relationship, before we got married and after, we had sex basically every day. It varied of course but … yes, at least once a day.”

“I see,” Summers says, finishing a note in her notebook before closing it. “I have to take my next client but for next time, I want to tackle something very important. The thing that happened half a year ago and that made both of you unhappy, that changed the entire nature of your relationship. We’ve covered a lot of issues between you in our sessions so far but I believe there’s a consistency throughout them all. I want you to think about what pushed you apart and we’ll talk about it next week.”

 

**2014**

It’s reckless and impulsive and probably a little stupid of them but Mike feels like a cliché teenager when Harvey presses him against the wall of the hallway, kissing him without a care in the world, throwing all and any caution in the wind. The door to their home is only a few steps to Mike’s left, but Harvey seems so intent on kissing Mike within an inch of his life that Mike doesn’t really have any ground to protest. He knows they will have to move sooner rather than later but Harvey’s hands are warm as he pulls the shirt out of Mike’s pants so he can finally access Mike’s skin.

Harvey pulls back a little to move his hands to the buckle of Mike’s belt and Mike’s sees an opening. He uses the momentum to turn them around, Harvey now pressed against the wall by Mike’s body and Mike can feel the way Harvey’s lips curl into a smile against his.

Mike is sure they would have stayed there making out a lot longer, but suddenly a door opens and Mike has enough wits about him that he leaps away, not really too keen on their neighbors seeing them like this.

To Mike’s utter embarrassment it’s Pearl that’s exiting her apartment. Pearl, the old lady from across the hall with her long white hair done up in an elegant do, Pearl who is always impeccably dressed up, seemingly ready to go to the opera or an important dinner and who is one of the kindest and funniest people Mike has ever met. Pearl who, despite their very obvious differences, reminds him so much of his grandmother. She invites them to a home-cooked dinner at least twice a year and Mike and Harvey always try their best to make it.

She spots them as she locks up and Harvey has the nerve to smile brightly at her, his hand still resting on Mike’s hip. They’re both disheveled enough for it to be clear what they’ve been doing and it’s obvious that Pearl knows it too by the way she smiles at them mischievously. 

“Misters Specter and Ross,” she greets, walking closer to them. Thankfully Harvey recovers quicker than Mike does.

“How are you doing, Pearl?” Harvey asks.

“I’m very well,” she says, her voice amused but pleasant. “I’m just heading out for dinner with my godson.”

“Well,” Mike finally says, “we wish you a wonderful evening, Pearl.”

“I’m sure it’s not going to be as wonderful as yours,” she says, a smirk on her face, and Mike can feel himself blushing.

Harvey chuckles and bids her goodbye. 

Now that Pearl burst their bubble, the hallway seems much less appealing to stop in than it did before and Mike fetches the keys out of his jacket and unlocks their door. They quickly make their way into the bedroom, always touching and barely taking their eyes off each other. 

Mike closes the bedroom door behind them and when he turns around Harvey already finished unbuttoning his shirt. The thought of closing the distance between them and kissing the freshly revealed skin is tempting, but instead Mike hurries with his one shirt to catch up with Harvey’s state of undress. Apparently, Harvey takes Mike’s hurrying a little different than Mike intended for it to come across and Harvey’s own hands speed up, a grin on his face. Mike almost sighs.  Of course Harvey would turn taking off clothes into a competition.

The fact that they both end up naked much faster than they usually do is a nice little side effect that Mike definitely isn’t going to complain about.

They tumble on the bed in a mess of limbs, elbows and knees bumping into each other uncomfortably, and Harvey smiles a smile that makes him look so young that Mike can’t help but laugh and then pull him into a kiss, cupping his face with both his hands. Harvey settles over Mike while they kiss and kiss, pulling each other closer and closer, losing themselves in the other. Suddenly, Harvey pulls away and Mike opens his eyes to see him reach for the nightstand on Mike’s side, grabbing the bottle of lube they keep in there. 

Mike watches as Harvey warms a dollop between his hands, gesturing for Mike to pull up his knees. Harvey leans over Mike, one hand resting next the Mike’s head while the other spreads the lube over Mike’s hole. 

Carefully, Harvey preps Mike, first inserting one finger, then two, then three. Harvey never takes his eyes off Mike, either staring into his eyes or roaming appreciatively over Mike’s body in a way that almost brings Mike as much pleasure as the ministrations from his fingers.

“Turn over,” Harvey says, not sounding half as out of breath as Mike thinks he should but he still complies.

He gets on all fours, head sinking between his shoulders. Mike arches his back and it has the desired effect because Harvey’s left hand grips Mike’s hip before he feels the tip of Harvey’s cock pressing against him. Biting his bottom lip, Mike’s head sinks down on the bed as Harvey pushes in slowly. Mike welcomes the burn that comes with the pleasure and moans into the comforter when Harvey bottoms out. 

Harvey gives him time to adjust, his thumb running circles into Mike’s skin, warming up his skin even more than it already has. 

“Move,” Mike pants after another moment of no hip movement from Harvey.

“Good?”

“Yeah.”

Slowly, Harvey pulls out almost all the way then thrusts back in hard.  _ Slow hard slow hard _ . It’s a rhythm that Harvey knows Mike likes and the comforter balls up in Mike’s fists as Harvey thrusts, an electric shiver running down Mike’s spine and his cock twitches. 

“Come on,” Mike says, moving his hips to meet Harvey’s thrust halfway.

A whine escapes Mike when Harvey finally speeds up and it’s an entirely different feeling. 

Mike thinks his heart might beat out of his ribcage. Harvey’s fingers are digging into Mike’s hips and Mike secretly hopes they’re going to leave a mark of some kind. He can barely hear anything over the sound of blood rushing through his ears and his own panting. Freeing one hand from clutching to the comforter like a lifeline to wrap his fingers around his cock, jerking it in time to Harvey’s thrusts. Apparently, Harvey isn’t too fond of the idea because Mike only manages a few strokes before Harvey pulls Mike’s hand away and brings it to the small of Mike’s back, tangling their fingers together.

It feels good, more than good really, but it’s not enough, never enough, and Mike knows it can feel even better, but he needs something different, he needs more, he needs Harvey more.

“Harvey, wait,” he says, his hand reaching back to take Harvey’s wrist. Harvey stops immediately and pulls out carefully.

“What? Did I hurt you?”

The concern in Harvey’s voice makes Mike smile and his chest grow warm.

“No, no, you didn’t. Just …”

“What?” Harvey asks and Mike turns his head to look at him. Apparently the look on Mike’s face enough to reassure him that Mike is saying the truth.

Mike turns around, sitting on the bed, leaning back on his elbows, breathing labored. Harvey is still kneeling between Mike’s spread legs, still looking slightly confused but utterly delectable. 

His chest is flushed and glistening with a sheen of sweat, his hair messed up from Mike running his hands through it earlier. Mike just keeps looking, taking in the pleasantly toned muscles of Harvey’s stomach, the fingers of his hand twitching as Mike scrutinizes them. Finally, Harvey’s hard cock, curving upwards, the head a deep red, shining from a mixture of lube and pre-come. The sight is positively mouthwatering. 

“Come here,” Mike says, extending one hand towards Harvey and lying down fully. 

He pulls up his knees so Harvey has the space to position himself, and Mike can feel Harvey’s eyes on him as Mike reaches for the lube once again. 

He squeezes a sizeable drop on the palm of his hand as Harvey leans forward, his heads on either side of Mike’s head. Despite his impatience, Mike does his best to warm it up before he takes a hold of Harvey’s cock and spreading more lube all over it. Mike’s touch causes Harvey to push his hips forward and their cocks brush, eliciting a moan from both of them. Their eyes meet and Mike doesn’t look away when he leads Harvey to where Mike needs him the most. Slowly and steadily Harvey pushes inside Mike, made more intense by the eye contact that they’re still keeping even though Mike wants to throw back his head into the pillow and clench his eyes shut on the onslaught of sensations.

Finally, Harvey bottoms out and it already feels different, much more intimate because he can touch and taste and  _ see _ . Harvey’s eyes are staring into Mike’s intensely, seemingly looking for something. What, Mike has no idea. Even though Mike doesn’t need any time to adjust anymore, Harvey still doesn’t move but just stays in place, feeling all the places where they’re connected.

Mike makes use of the new position and leans up his chin, closing the distance between their lips. It’s when they’re kissing again that Harvey starts moving his hips, taking it slow, torturously slow. It makes Mike claw at the back of Harvey’s neck, fingers running through the short hair at the back of his head. Mike breaks their kiss only when his lungs burn with the need to take a proper breath and instead he leans their foreheads together, feeling Harvey’s hot breath on his face. It’s intoxicating.

“Mike,” Harvey says, breathy. The raspy texture in his voice sends a shiver down Mike’s spine, muscles involuntarily clenching around Harvey. He hisses and quickens his pace, skin hitting skin in a steady rhythm. Mike thinks it’s in synch with his heart beat.

“Fuck, I love you,” Mike breathes, cupping Harvey’s cheek, kissing any skin he can reach.

“Love you too,” Harvey rasps, their lips barely touching. 

Harvey hitches Mike’s legs higher and – god yes, this is what he was craving all along. Harvey’s thrusts feel deeper, more concentrated, even though Harvey hasn’t changed his pace or force behind his movements. He feels like a jigsaw piece falling into place, his body light and consumed by a blaze of emotions, hot and wild and overwhelming. He feels Harvey everywhere, all at once, all around him.

“Like that. Don’t stop, don’t-“

“I'm not going to stop,” Harvey says, dropping onto his forearm to cup Mike’s cheek, dropping a kiss on his forehead. “Not a fucking chance. Unless you really want me -”

“I don't want you to stop. I really don't.”

He breathes a laugh, pressing his forehead to Mike’s when he opens his eyes. “Come for me.”

“Harder.”

Harvey obliges and it takes five hard thrusts until Mike falls apart, clinging to Harvey, Mike’s fingernails digging into his skin, Harvey’s smirk against Mike’s cheek. 

 

**Present**

Harvey joins Mike halfway through dinner. Mike wonders if it’s the hunger that leads him to the kitchen island or if he simply decided to join Mike. He glances at Harvey’s face but there’s nothing that can give him an answer to his question. They eat without a single word or look shared.

 

**Session Fourteen**

“It was work.”

“Work?”

“Yes,” Harvey says, nodding. “Mike signed with a few more charities and I took on a couple of new clients who came with a big case in tow.”

Summers leans forward in her chair. “While it may be true that you both started working more, I believe that that was a symptom, not a cause, Mister Specter. What happened between you  _ personally _ that made you withdraw from each other? Something happened half a year ago that was the cause for heaps of miscommunication, where you both started working more and your sex life diminished. It was the beginning of where you are now, a catalyst for the divorce statement and the kiss. What happened between you two personally that caused your marriage to fall apart?”

After their last session Mike made a list of reasons that were the cause and he agrees with Summers. Harvey is nowhere near close to what’s standing at the top of Mike’s list. Mike wonders if Harvey is just trying to avoid the more pressing issues or if they’re answers simply don’t match.

Summers looks at them, her pen resting again the familiar notebook, one eyebrow raised.

“I was representing a company that was blackmailing Mike’s organization.” 

“What were they blackmailing you with, Mike?”

“Things about my past that they wanted to release publicly.”

“I didn’t know about the blackmail or I never would have started representing them.”

“Why didn’t you tell your husband about you being blackmailed?”

Mike shifts in his seat. “I didn’t want to worry him. I was in the process of handling it.”

“I found out about it after I’d already signed a binding contract with them. I ended up sabotaging the case until they fired me.” Harvey crosses his legs.

Summers nods and starts writing. Mike looks to his left side, Harvey sitting there unmoving as ever. He’s wearing his black three piece suit, the white dress shirt underneath still clean and fresh-looking despite the late hour. Not for the first time Mike asks himself how he keeps it that way. Despite the fact that they’ve known each other for seven years now Mike still doesn’t have an answer to that question.

“We also argued about my mother,” Harvey says suddenly. He turns his head so their eyes meet and Mike can’t read the look in them. 

“Argued how?”

Harvey looks back at Summers. “My mother turned up on our doorstep out of nowhere.”

“What happened?”

Harvey pinches the bridge of his nose and doesn’t answer right away. “She said she just wanted to talk to me. That she was sorry for showing up like this but she had some important things to say.”

“Did you talk to her?”

“No, not that night. Mike sent her away and she said she was staying in town for a while and gave us her number so I could contact her.”

Tugging on his sleeve, Harvey glances at Mike.

“I didn’t really want to see her. Chances were she came along with another sob story because she remembered she had a son or that she simply wanted money. But Mike kept insisting that I at least go and listen to what she had to say.”

Mike stares at his hands, remembering the rather cruel argument between them that night. He still hasn’t apologized for it, he realizes. So much has happened since then. Too much. 

“Two days later I found out that Mike had contacted her behind my back.”

“Why did you contact her?” Summers asks, staring at Mike.

“I knew what kind of effect she has on Harvey. I wanted to make sure that her reasons for contacting him were legitimate, that she wasn’t jerking him around.”

Harvey scoffs. Mike closes his eyes.

“Mike, do you think that maybe you wanted Harvey to stay in contact with his mother because you lost yours when you were young?”

Mike scratches his jaw. “I don’t know. Subconsciously maybe. But it was never my intention to hurt him by doing it.”

Suddenly, Harvey tenses across the couch, his head turning slowly towards Mike. His eyes are narrowed and Mike instantly has the feeling he isn't going to like what Harvey has to say. Unless maybe it is the final reason he had listed on his list.

“That week where we argued about my mother …” Harvey says slowly and Mike knows he finally knows. Mike can’t blame him that it took him this long. It’s only been a few weeks since Harvey found out how much it has been bothering Mike.

“What happened that week?” Summers asks.

“Harvey found my research about adoption and surrogacy.”

 

**2017**

“Mike, what the fuck is this?”

Harvey sounds calm, dangerously so. It’s the repressing kind of calmness that is barely kept in place. One wrong move and it gets blown out of the water, revealing the explosion of darker, dirtier things underneath.

Mike turns his head. Harvey is standing tensely, a couple of papers clutched in one hand. Anger is radiating off him in waves and Mike turns in his seat on the couch, pausing the movie he was watching, confusion starting to fill him.

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh, don’t give me that innocent act, we both know-“

“No, I don’t know, Harvey, what the hell are you talking about?”

Harvey raises his eyebrows, but steps closer to the couch and tosses the papers into Mike’s lap. It only takes one glance for Mike to know what they are. Shit.

“That’s not-“

“Don’t say that’s not what it looks like because I can goddamn read, Mike!”

It’s probably the worst possible time for them to be having this argument. They haven’t talked all week and Mike hadn’t actually been aware that Harvey was home already which is the reason Mike didn’t immediately clean up after himself. This is not how he wanted Harvey to find out.

“Listen, Harvey. Yes, this is research I did about adoption laws, but-“

“Goddamn it, Mike,” Harvey shouts, moving almost quicker than Mike can look. Suddenly, there’s a loud bang as Harvey’s fist collides with the wall of their living room.

Mike’s eyes widen, heart beating fast, as he watches Harvey breathe heavily, one hand pointing at Mike accusingly.

“We talked about this Mike, we’re not having any fucking children, we can’t!”

“Believe it or not, Harvey, but I remember that conversation pretty clearly and-“

“What? You don’t care what I want? You changed your mind? What is it, Mike?” The mocking and anger in Harvey’s voice is so pronounced, Mike is having a hard time trying not to retaliate. He needs to think of something fast.

“-and what the hell were you thinking letting me find out like this?”

“They’re not for me,” Mike says. He’s hoping more than anything that Harvey’s anger will keep him from detecting the lie.

“Who is it for then?”

“Kevin. He and his wife are trying to have another kid but they’re having a hard time. He asked me if I could do some research before he talked to her about it.”

Harvey’s hand finally sinks down, hanging by his side in a fist.

“Is that all?”

Mike knows it’s his last opportunity to tell him the truth and the window is closing rapidly. He can’t do it. He can’t.

“Yes. That’s all this is about.”

“Why the hell didn’t you just say so, Mike?” Harvey asks, looking at the red knuckles of his right hand, stretching his fingers, then balling them into a fist again.

“You didn’t give me any chance to. You just barged in here accusing me of stuff!”

“What the hell was I supposed to think?”

Mike releases a breath and can feel himself relax slightly. “Jesus, I didn’t know that the mere thought of having children is  _ this _ horrifying to you.”

“Just give this Kevin, I don’t want this in my goddamn office.”

 

**Session Fifteen**

“I want to talk about the beginning, what landed you in a relationship in the first place. When did you know that you were in love with the other?”

There are a couple of moments that immediately spring to Mike’s mind and the fact that there’s several of them warms his chest because at least he still has the memories. However there is still this one moment that shines brighter than the rest. “We went on a weekend vacation to mountains four months after we started dating. We were working on a very stressful divorce settlement the week before and it was pretty much brutal, so we just left it behind. It was just the two of us in a little cottage in the middle of nowhere. I woke up on Saturday morning and just … watched him sleep for a while. I realized that I wanted that. To wake up next to him every morning.”

Mike smiles at his lap, his vision lost in memory. “I knew before that in a way, but it was the first time I admitted it, without a slither of doubt. I knew for sure.”

He doesn’t notice the heavily silence between them at first, not until Harvey speaks. “We went to my firm’s annual Christmas ball and he got so drunk that he started telling my secretary and my associate all the details of our sex life and then threw up in the bathroom.”

Mike remembers the night even though the details are a little bit hazy. It’s a night Harvey frequently teases him about and that happened much later in their relationship than Mike would have expected. He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to feel about it.

“That was the moment you knew you loved Mike?” Summers asks, a hint of amusement in her voice.

“No, that’s when I knew I wanted to marry him some day.”

A lump forms in Mike’s throat. Oh. “I knew I loved Mike the moment I realized I was willing to quit my job at the firm for him.”

 _He goes, I go_. Mike remembers Donna telling him about it. In contrary to before, this moment was much earlier in their relationship than he thought it would be.

“That’s when you knew you loved me?”

Harvey nods.

“You loved me at strange moments,” Mike whispers, torn between a smile and a frown.

Harvey smirks, turning his head and looking straight at Mike. It almost seems like Harvey is at the verge of saying something, but before Mike knows what it is, Harvey’s gaze hardens and he looks back at the wall behind Summer’s chair.

Summers places her notebook on the see-through surface of the coffee table in front of her, putting her pen on top of it and leans forward, clasping her hands together. Unsure what to do with the stance, Mike looks at Harvey who is eyeing the notebook suspiciously and it’s a look that Mike recognizes as Harvey plotting. He is sure Harvey really wants to get his hands on it and see what she’s been writing down throughout their sessions. Knowing Harvey, he was probably convinced that Summers was doodling the entire time instead of taking notes.

“Why are you here?” Summers asks and Mike’s thinks that’s a bold question to ask during their fifteenth session with her.

“Where the hell did you get that degree of yours?” Harvey retorts, annoyed, his eyes narrowed. Mike fights the old instinct to put a soothing hand on Harvey’s hand.

“What I mean, Mister Specter, is that a majority of the couples that I work with either want to stay together for their children’s sake or because they have been together for so long that they just don’t know how to work without the other. You don't have any children, you're both able to support yourselves without the other's income.”

She pauses and her eyes jump from Harvey to Mike and back to Harvey. 

“You're both still young, healthy, attractive, and successful in your careers. These things are all big issues for other people, but you could both move on easily and without any worry. But you're here, and you continue to come here every week. That tells me you still love each other and you think that it's worth trying to work out your problems. But now you have to decide if it's enough to actually put it to work. To not just talk about it, but to actually put all those words into action. To try and to bring back the intimacy and the trust in your relationship.”

Hearing Summers phrase it like this, serves as a pretty frank reminder of just how  _ fragile _ their relationship has become. One gentle breeze could bring down the house of cards they call their marriage.

“I believe we covered a majority of the big issues between you two and you both said that you want to save your marriage. So what I’m recommending is that you continue coming here as long as you need to and we keep working through your problems but you also need to work on it together. At home.” She looks at them calculatingly, raising an eyebrow. “What are the chances of the both of you taking a week off work?”

 

**Present**

Summers had said that they just had to  _ be _ . Trying to get back into what they used to have, a trial run to a semi-healthy marriage, being themselves while being together. Mike had been skeptical when Summers listed all the benefits and ideas behind it and the fact that she thought she had to go to such lengths to convince both of them to take a week off work to work on their marriage was more than a little alarming to Mike. He tried not to pay it any mind because to Mike’s surprise Harvey agreed to clear the week after their last session right away. 

So far however he hasn’t even seen Harvey and Mike was almost convinced that Harvey wasn’t actually at home until he almost literally ran into him when he went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. It makes Mike realize how much they have gotten used to ignoring each other in the past half year. Their communication, while never their strong point, had almost ceased entirely, they’d stopped appreciating the small moments like they used to and they didn’t know how to be with each other anymore. He knows that’s what Summers meant when she had used the word  _ be _ with that certain stress to the letters. 

Mike straightens his back and knocks on the door three times, a book clutched in his other hand.

He waits, one two three four, before he hears a voice. “Come in.” 

Harvey is sitting behind the desk when Mike enters, a questioning look on his face.

“What?”

Harvey shakes his head. “Nothing. You’ve never waited for permission before.”

“Well,” Mike replies, lifting his hands in a helpless gesture.

Harvey turns his head back to the laptop in front of him. “Did you want something?”

“No, just …” Mike replies, holding up his book. Harvey doesn’t say anything so Mike takes it as a cue that he’s not unwelcome and sits down on the couch occupying one wall of the office.

He opens his book where he left off. It’s fiction and it’s a story that Mike knows would usually whisk him away, but now and here he’s too aware of Harvey’s rather passive presence. Mike can’t decide if he should feel grateful for the minimal effort or angry because it could be more.

Mike sinks further into the cushions and tries to think of something to say. “Did you finish the Jeff Buckley biography you were reading?”

“Yes.”

“How did you like it?”

Harvey looks over. “Gripping.”

“What did you think-“

“It was months ago.”

“Oh.”

 

**Present**

“Do you wanna go see a movie?” Mike offers, hoping to finally find something they could do together.

“No,” Harvey says, shutting down another one of Mike’s suggestions just like he’s been doing all day already.

“Okay. What are you doing today then?”

Harvey makes a sound that is probably supposed to convey his annoyance. Mike’s sighs.

“I just don’t want to go, Mike.”

“No, that’s not … I was just asking.”

Harvey looks at him, eyebrows raised, then stands up. “I have to get ready for a client meeting I couldn’t cancel. I’ll be back in a couple of hours.”

Well, there is that.

 

**Present**

Straightening his spine, Mike takes the last couple of steps towards the door of Harvey’s study. He’s not actually sure if Harvey is here or not but it’s the only room Mike hasn’t looked in yet. The thought alone that Harvey could be anywhere but here when they’re supposed to work on their marriage, irks him, but he reminds himself to give Harvey the benefit of the doubt. 

Mike raises his hand but the door opens before he can knock. 

“Mike,” Harvey says surprised. 

“Hey.”

Harvey turns and walks back into the room, behind his desk.

“Are you hungry? I thought we could order something from that Indian place you like.”

Harvey narrows his eyes. “You hate Indian.”

“I like the onion rings they have there.”

“Well, I’m not hungry right now, so thanks, but no thanks.”

“I can wait if you want to-“

“I’m busy.”

Mike grinds his teeth. “Yeah, that seems to be the running theme where you’re concerned.”

“Excuse me? 

“You heard me.”

“I  _ am _ busy. A friend called, asking me to look at his accounts because he thinks someone is embezzling money.”

“Of course you’re busy. Anything to keep you away from me, right?”

Harvey snatches a piece of paper from his desk and thrusts it towards Mike. “Do you want to  _ check _ or-“

“No, I don’t need to check, Harvey. Okay, then maybe you’re busy now, but you weren’t all of yesterday, or the day before that! I’ve been trying to spend time with you but all you seem to be doing is avoid me!”

“That’s not-“

“I just don’t know what more to do, Harvey. You obviously don’t want to spend time with me, but I don’t know what else to do then try to make up for it! But if you won’t even try to-”

“I am trying, this-“

“But you don't put it into action! The whole point of calling off work this week was to start working everything out. Just you and me, like we used to do. To spend time together and get us back. But you ignore me, cut off conversations, say you're  _ busy _ !” 

Mike stops his nails from digging into the palm of his hand, wills the wild beating of his heart to calm down.

“I know I fucked up, Harvey. I did a terrible thing to you. I hurt you and I am so sorry for that. I'm still angry with  _ myself _ . I have promised you that I will never ever do it again and I won't, you'll see that. I swear.”

“We've been over this a hundred times--”

_ If you ever do that to me again, I won't even think twice about leaving you _ , Harvey had said. The words are still ringing in Mike’s head, clear as a bell.

“You kissed someone else,” Harvey murmurs.

Mike heart clenches. He’s heard the sentence thrown at him a handful of times by now but it’s never sounded as fragile and vulnerable as now.

“I know, Harvey, believe me I know. It’s four seconds of my time that I will regret for the rest of my life and I told you that I’m so sorry.” Mike takes a step closer. “But you took this kiss which happened  _ after _ you told me you wanted a divorce to blame all of this on me! Yes, I made a huge mistake but it’s not our only problem.”

“I never said it was.”

“Yes, and some of those problems are your fault and some are mine, but I can’t fix them on my own. I know I pushed us the final inch over the cliff but not all of this is on me, that’s not fair. So I’ve been trying to fix it but I just can’t fix it on my own, Harvey.”

Harvey spreads his arms as if this is all he has to offer. “Mike, what do you  _ want _ from me?” 

“I want you to try! I want you to stop pushing me away unless you really want me to stay away!”

“Oh, so going to therapy with you – which I can’t stand – isn’t trying, is it?” 

“Then stop pushing me away!  _ Talk _ to me. Stop pretending like I’m not even here!” He’s breathing heavily and tears spring into his eyes. Mike would curse about it if it was any other time. “Harvey … if this is it, if you want our marriage to be over, then you have to let me know. I can’t wake up every day, hoping that maybe today something’s finally going to change. I can’t. I’m not strong enough.”

Tears cloud Mike’s vision and he hopes and wishes they don’t fall. Not now. Harvey just stands there, staring at Mike, while fight and flight battle for the upper hand inside of Mike.

“Mike …” Harvey starts, arms dropping down the final part, sounding tired and done.

“Harvey, if you still love me enough, then you have to try. If you really don’t want to be with me anymore then …” Mike presses his eyes shut, hot tracks of tears finally running down his face. “Please.”

Harvey stares at him and for a second something flashes across Harvey’s face that almost lights a treacherous spark of hope inside of Mike but before he knows where the feeling comes from in the first place, the look is gone.

Mike turns around, futilely wiping his hand over his face and walking out of the room, closing the door behind him. 


	7. grace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't apologize enough for how late this is but the chapter gave me so much trouble I kept editing and rewriting parts because it somehow didn't feel right but anyway here's the chapter finally!

**Present**

Mike’s hands feel soaked and wrinkly. He doesn’t think he’s been washing the dishes long enough for his hands to feel that way but it’s not like he’s an expert on the matter. He could have used the dishwasher instead but he didn’t because he’s been going out of his mind with boredom and washing the dishes by hand was a short relief at least.

He scoffs at the idea that he’d never thought he’d wash dishes out of  _ boredom _ of all things. It was a shame his Grammy couldn’t see him right now. Doing the dishes had always been his least favorite chore and therefore she had made him do it as often as possible. Mike smiles at the memory.

“Michael, the dishes are waiting for you,” Mike recalls Grammy saying on multiple occasions, trying to imitate her voice as best as possible.

“When did you start talking to the dishes?”

Mike jumps so bad that the plate he’s holding slips through his fingers and falls back into the sink, disappearing through the foam in a loud clatter. He turns his head. “Jesus, Harvey … you scared me.”

Harvey doesn’t apologize but Mike doesn’t expect him to. 

Mike takes a deep breath but he can’t seem to calm down the rapid beating of his heart. He hasn’t spoken to Harvey since yesterday afternoon when he had laid it all out and now he doesn’t know what to think. Harvey has sought him out which isn’t something he has done so far and Mike tries to keep the hopeful glimmer in his gut under control. This doesn’t have to mean anything, and even if it does, Mike needs words. Solid words and not uncertain gestures. He’s learned his lesson. 

Harvey walks from the end to the kitchen counter to the sink and without a word, picks up the towel and grabs the plate Mike has already rinsed off.

Trying not to appear too curious about Harvey’s unprompted involvement in dishwashing, Mike watches Harvey out of the corner of his eye. It makes for an interesting picture. They used to do this occasionally, back in the day, even though their roles were reversed usually, Harvey washing and Mike drying the dishes.

They get to work in silence and Mike thinks it’s comforting to have Harvey there by his side. Harvey’s presence alone is enough for Mike to almost enjoy the chore. Pulling the plug, Mike watches the water drain out of the sink while he listens to Harvey dry the last plate. This time Mike manages not to jump when Harvey speaks again.

“ _ 13 Going On 30 _ is going to be on in five minutes, you wanna watch it?”

“Weren’t you the one who said that time travel movies never make any sense?”

“I may have said that, yes, but this one is a classic.”

“Well, you can never say no to a classic, can you?”

“Definitely not.”

“I bet it doesn’t hurt that Mark Ruffalo is in it,” Mike says, keeping a close eye on Harvey, not sure if joking is already acceptable just because they just spent five minutes together.

“Definitely not,” Harvey says laughing, and Mike is pretty sure his heart skips a beat at the sound. It seeps into his bones, a warm gold shower.

 

**Present**

It seems like Harvey is trying to make up for the last three days by packing so many activities into the fourth one that Mike can barely stand straight on his feet by the time they arrive back at their condo. 

Their day has been filled to the brim. They had breakfast together, went to a museum Mike had never heard of despite being a New York native. They went to the movies, the grocery store, and had different opinions on nearly every art piece at the gallery they went to. Conversation had started flowing a lot easier by the time they got dinner at a restaurant, but it still had been cautious and sometimes came to an uncomfortable stop. It was progress though, so Mike soaked it up.

Mike is absolutely exhausted by the time they walk through the living room towards the hall with both bedrooms. For a second, Mike thinks about asking if he really should continue to sleep in the guest bedroom, but quickly discards the idea. It’s too early for that step, no matter how much Mike wishes it wasn’t. They may have been getting along much better during the day but it still feels tentative and temporary. 

His shoulders hang heavy on his frame, his eyes half hooded, and the combination of their progress and his exhaustion cause Mike to speak before he can think much about his bad timing.

“I’m sorry I contacted your mother.” Mike swallows heavily as if he could force the words back down. Harvey stops with his hand on the doorknob.

“I shouldn’t have done that. I know you feel betrayed because I went behind your back to do it but please believe me that I only had your best interest at heart. I just …”

Harvey is silent and unmoving. Mike feels panic well up inside of him at the thought that he managed to undo all their progress in a matter of a minute. Then Harvey finally speaks.

“Did you slip some drinks at the gallery?”

“What-? No.”

“You’re slurring.”

“I’m just tired.”

Harvey nods as he turns around, facing Mike. 

“You don’t have to apologize for that. I understand why you did it. I’m not happy about it but I … probably would have done the same thing if it had been the other way round.”

Mike exhales slowly, feeling relief replace the panic from before. He had fully expected to accidentally cause another big argument but the surprise at Harvey’s understanding makes him close his eyes for an extended blink. When he opens them again, Harvey is still standing there, eyes focused on Mike with the same open expression.

“You do?”

Harvey nods slowly, holding out his hand. Mike looks at it in surprise and confusion, not understanding what Harvey wants and after a moment of Mike’s hesitation, Harvey drops it. Was Mike supposed to take it? Had he just rejected some peace offering?

Harvey clicks his tongue and pushes off the wall, stepping closer towards Mike. He’s standing an arm-length away from Mike which is closer than Mike expects but it’s the same distance Harvey has been keeping all day. Almost there but not quite. 

Mike watches as Harvey starts undoing the first button of Mike’s coat. Then he moves on to the second one, and the third. So that’s why Harvey reached out before. He had wanted to take Mike’s coat. Mike tries to stop any thoughts of Harvey reaching out for more, for something, for a form of physical contact that he haven’t had in a long time. 

Before Harvey reaches the last button Mike looks up to watch Harvey’s face. The vulnerable expression from earlier is gone and his features have hardened. Mike can only guess why that is. Maybe it’s the closeness that Harvey isn’t comfortable with yet or maybe he regrets the gesture. Mike isn’t sure which option he’d prefer.

Mike shrugs off the coat and hands it to Harvey, his heart pumping hard against the inner side of his ribcage.

“Goodnight, Mike,” Harvey says, stepping backwards.

“Goodnight, Harvey.” Mike watches as Harvey walks further down the hall to hang up the pair of black wool coats in his hands and he exhales heavily as he closes the door behind him.

 

**Present**

“What happened then?”

“So I got all the way down there to get a coffee and some peace and quiet and who fucking ambushes me? Sean goddamn Cahill. The last face I wanted to see in that moment.”

“Did he tell you to drop the suit?”

“Yeah, he did, that little rat. Like that was going to happen, though. He knew he was going to lose if it went to trial so he tried doing some damage control.”

Mike shakes his head, smiling, and drinks the last of his coffee.

“By the way, rumor has it that Coffee Cart Guy had a heart attack.”

“A heart attack? How the hell is that possible he’s like what? My age?”

“Between you and me, he probably just got arrested but Dante really spun this great story about a tragic incident, ambulances and near death experiences. He was really into it.”

“Damn, where will all you high-strung workaholics get your weed from now on?”

“Oh, believe me, there is no shortage of weed dealers in the city.”

“You sure about that?”

“Yes. Apparently there are so many dealers that some of them take their product with them to job interviews just to spill it all over the floor.”

Mike can’t help the laugh that escapes him and especially not when he sees the grin on Harvey’s face.

 

**Present**

Harvey is staring at Mike from across the couch, his jaw set. Mike keeps sending him glances, recognizing the rigidity of Harvey’s shoulders, but he keeps his head turned towards Ashley. Kevin’s daughter is currently trying to stand up from her seat on the floor in front of Mike’s feet and Mike is trying his hardest to stop her from it. She has a surprising amount of strength considering she’s not even two years old, Mike thinks, and tries to distract her from the fact that she doesn’t want to sit in one spot in the first place.

“I hope this is not your attempt at manipulating me because I can tell you it’s not going to work,” Harvey says, crossing his legs and bouncing his foot once.

Mike almost literally bites his tongue. He may understand why Harvey said it but it’s irritating and arguing is the last thing Mike wants to do in front of a toddler.

“You know it’s not, Harvey. Kevin is only going to be another half hour or so.”

“He could have dropped her off with someone else.”

Mike knows the tone Harvey is using far too well. It’s the one he likes to intimidate people with, low, smooth, knowing, and sinister. Mike knows that it works on Harvey’s opponents more often than not, but now all it does is makes Mike want to roll his eyes. The tone means Harvey is angry and Mike has no interest in dealing with Harvey when he’s in that particular mood so he doesn’t respond.

“You can’t do a trial run with a child, Mike.”

“I already told you that’s not what this is about. I’m her godfather, Harvey. Kevin needed help and it’s not like it’s the first time he’s done it.” Ashley finally stops squirming and grabs the toy Mike had been waving in front of her for the past couple of minutes. “I know you deal with a lot of manipulative people, but you should know me well enough to not question my motives. Not with this. I only wanted to help Kevin, I would have done it whether you were here or not.”

Harvey looks away, his jaw clenched and Mike thinks he even hears his teeth gnash. “I don't understand why you want children anyway. They're stupid for the first twenty years of their life. They-”

“That's not true. Granted, you have to teach them everything and then you have to teach them and let them learn on their own when they're older, but-”

“And potentially ruin them forever. You know what most people walk out of a therapist's office condemning? Their parents. Who do they blame for a child's bad actions? The parents. When people are screwed up, they say they had a messed up childhood. They-”

“So you base not wanting children completely on the fact that you're … afraid. You're afraid.”

“Oh, come on. I’m not  _ afraid _ . It’s simply that-“

“You don’t want to screw up another person. I remember.”

“I’m just not the kind of person who should be raising-“

“See, that’s the part I don’t get. You’re a good person, Harvey. There may be things about you that some people hate and you have your issues with your own parents, but you’re  _ still _ a good person. I wouldn’t love you if you weren’t. So what about you isn’t fit to raise a child? All it comes down to is that you are afraid.”

“I told you-“

“You are! You’re scared that you’re going to screw up like your mother did! You’re scared that you won’t be enough. You’re … terrified of loving something so much that you  _ need _ it, because you hate forming attachments to anything that isn’t disposable, replaceable, or that you’d be willing to sacrifice yourself for.” Mike looks down at Ashley when she moves to stand up so he takes her small hands to help her. “Besides, you’re forgetting all the amazing things that come with it. You’re going to love your own child more than-“

“Oh yes, because love conquers everything, doesn’t it?” Harvey drawls.

Mike stares at Harvey for a moment and his sneer fades. “I know it sounds sappy, but yes, I believe that. Sometimes the forces outside of it are so great that people lose sight of it and sometimes it fades. But actual unconditional love, when you are willing to do anything for that person … that’s enough to overcome anything. You just have to remind the person that it’s there.”

“That was not an invitation for you to-“

“And another thing, Harvey, it’s not like you’d be having the children on your own. There’s no reason for you to be afraid of loving a child. Your child. A little extension of yourself-“

“You’re romanticizing it, Mike.”

“I’m not. That’s literally what a child is, a combination of two people.” Mike watches as Harvey stands up from the couch. It’s something that – Ashley stop!”

She had taken advantage of Mike not paying attention and had pulled her hands free of Mike’s. Now, she is running as fast as her little legs could carry her. Mike jumps off the couch to catch up with her, her high pitched laughter echoing through the condo.

 

**Present**

“Harvey?”

There’s no reply even though Mike knows that Harvey is home. Or at least he should be. He tries calling Harvey’s name again just to be met with stark white silence once again so he glances at an empty home office while walking towards the living room. Unsurprisingly, that room is empty as well. 

Mike takes his phone out of the pocket of his pants to check if he’s missed a message but he hasn’t. He frowns and checks for a note lying somewhere that could explain where Harvey has gotten to. The kitchen is clean and note-free even though Mike remembers putting his coffee cup next to the sink not even an hour ago. Harvey must have put it away. He wanders over to the couch but other than the  _ Financial Times _ there’s nothing lying there as well. Mike’s frown deepens as he looks around the room, confused as to why Harvey would just leave without at least telling him that he was going somewhere.

Mike stops when his eyes land on the lone framed picture sitting on the mantelpiece. The wooden frame and the glass are dusty in a contrast to the vibrant picture inside of it. Mike remembers the moment that Donna had taken the snapshot just moments before they told her and Rachel about the engagement and the wedding. He and Harvey are looking at each other, careful smiles on both their lips, Mike’s cheek red from the wine.

He pulls one sleeve of his sweater over his hand and wipes the dust off the frame. He doesn’t know why but he’d almost expected for the expressions in the picture to change but it doesn’t. Their happiness had been caught, frozen in time, and nothing would be able to change it.

It’s when Mike puts the framed picture back where it belongs that he catches movement out of the corner of his eyes. 

Turning his head, Mike sees that Harvey is outside on the balcony, wearing his coat, a scarf and green gloves. Mike draws his eyebrows together as he watches Harvey crouch back down, grabbing a bag of garden mold and pour it into the pot in front of him. There are a couple of small plants standing next to the big pot but from this far away Mike can’t tell what exactly they are. Harvey grabs one of the plants, gets their black plastic pot off and puts it into the bigger one and presses the mold firm around the plant.  

Why Harvey would think planting anything at the end of January is a good idea is a mystery to Mike but Harvey looks so focused that Mike doesn’t want to interrupt him. The expression on his face is relaxed and Mike thinks he even sees a smile on Harvey’s lips. 

 

**Present**

“I placed the delivery,” Mike says, entering Harvey’s study.

Harvey nods distractedly, eyes focused on the papers in his hands. “Good.”

“What was the emergency?”

Harvey looks up, confused for the moment before realization dawns. “Embezzlement. One of the senior partners is working with someone in holding to leech money from the firm. I have to go through the finance records for a few departments and see what's missing from the bottom line.”

“What does that have to do with you?”

“It was Scottie’s firm, so ...”

“Oh.”

“She doesn’t know who exactly it is so she asked me for a favor.”

Mike nods. “Because she doesn’t trust anybody inside the firm.”

“Exactly.”

“I could help,” Mike says before he can think about it much and walks closer to Harvey’s desk.

Harvey looks up at him.

“I promise not to steal any money,” Mike says, smiling. “You know I’m good with numbers.”

Harvey scoffs but there’s a smile tugging at his lips. “According to you, you’re good with everything.”

“That’s not true. For example I’m very bad at running, or … kicking puppies?”

Harvey looks at him incredulously. “Are you speaking out of experience?”

“No, Harvey, see that’s how bad I am at it, I’ve never even tried it.”

He shakes his head. “Mike, Mike, Mike. To think you could have done something with your life.”

“It’s a terrible waste,” Mike says and watches Harvey open another folder. “So … help?”

“I don’t know why you would want to spend your time counting money-“

“To help you,” Mike quickly interrupts him. It earns him a scrutinizing look from Harvey that’s almost long enough for Mike to grow uncomfortable. Eventually Harvey turns his chair to the side and reaches for another stack of folders that Mike hadn’t noticed before, placing it in front of Mike.

He grabs the pile and walks over the couch standing next to the desk. He sits down and they both get to work in silence.

 

**Present**

“You should try it out too, Harvey.”

“I not trying it out.”

“But what if you don’t like it?” 

“If you like it, we’ll buy it.”

Mike glances at the salesperson who is looking at both at him and Harvey and, deciding not to pay her any mind, Mike starts bouncing up and down on the couch. Harvey shakes his head but one corner of his mouth lifts into a smirk. The salesperson grins and excuses herself.

“Harvey, seriously, try it.”

Instead of answering, Harvey simply levels his gaze on Mike, cool and a little unbelieving.

“I might like it but you might not,” Mike argues. “You like it when it’s hard and I like it when it’s soft.”

Harvey tries to suppress a smile and Mike has the feeling that he probably isn’t just thinking about couches.

“Not from what I remember,” he says lowly to himself and Mike feels the tips of his ears warm.

He reaches out, grabbing Harvey’s hand to pull him down onto the couch, feeling the heat of his palm. Harvey looks down in surprise, taking a step forward, before looking up at Mike. “Just-”

Harvey tightens his hold on Mike’s hand and uses it to pull him up and off the couch. Mike doesn’t expect the sudden pull and he catches himself against Harvey’s chest as he rocks forward on his feet. He raises his eyes to Harvey’s, both of them pausing for a moment. It drags and drags, the closeness more than welcome on Mike’s part, but eventually he releases his grip on Harvey’s shoulders and Mike is surprised to feel Harvey’s fingers skim over his arms.

After another blink, Harvey takes a step away, scans the area around them and bends over to push a hand into the cushion. He’s apparently not too displeased with the result because he bends up again and finally sits down, his back pushing into the pillows and stretching his arms across them.

Mike almost jumps when the salesperson walks up to them again and asks them if they’ve come to a decision.

“We’ll take it,” Harvey says, eyes trained on Mike, smiling.

 

**Present**

It has been at least three whole months since Harvey and Mike sat at the table to eat dinner together like they are now and even though they haven’t really exchanged many words, it feels nice. Normal almost. 

“You're serious about having children, though. You really, without a doubt, want one?”

One or two, maybe even three because he always wanted a sibling growing up. But Mike would definitely settle for one, he thinks. He doesn’t want to push his luck by voicing his thoughts out loud though. The fact alone that Harvey is here asking, honest and open, is enough to make Mike’s chest feel tight.

“Yes, I do.”

Harvey swirls the last of the red wine in his glass, never taking his eyes off the liquid.

“What if you don’t like it?”

“What?”

“It's not something you can research and make an informed decision about. You have it, you're stuck with it for life. So what if you hate it? It happens.“

“Hate the kid or hate being a parent? Because I don’t think either is possible for me.”

“Being a parent. It would mean you had to give some things up. Some of your work would-“

“I could probably drop all but one or two contracts for a few years, until they start school.”

Harvey finally looks away from his wine glass and looks Mike in the eyes, scrutinizing.

“What?” Mike asks when Harvey doesn’t say anything.

“You’ve really thought about this, haven’t you?”

Mike lowers his eyes, shrugging. “Yeah, I have.”

“Since when?”

“Since that fight. Well … a few days before that, I guess. So, over half a year.”

Harvey sighs, looking out the glass wall behind Mike, and it somehow makes Harvey’s eyes look brighter. “I don't know why you didn't tell me.”

“I knew how you felt. I thought I could ignore it. That I would change my mind, stop caring.”

“But if you had talked to me, it would be one less thing that would have got us here.”

“I know. But after that fight and your reaction … I don't know. It didn’t seem like a good idea. Complete communication failure, as Summers would say.”

Harvey makes a face at the mention of their counsellor but keeps looking out into the city. “What if I'm a bad father? There's no taking a kid back or returning it. It's not like we can say never mind, we're not made for it.”

“You won't be.”

Harvey’s eyes move from the window to Mike’s. “You can't know that.”

Harvey says it with so much certainty, it turns into an ache in Mike’s chest.

“Do you think I’ll be a good father?” Mike asks and Harvey’s expression softens.

“That’s different.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Yes, it is! You’re-“

“No, Harvey. I will probably fuck up and you’ll be there and you will probably fuck up and I’ll be there. I know you, Harvey. There wouldn’t be anything to be afraid of.”

“Right,” Harvey mumbles, staring at his wine glass again for a second before drinking it, and stands up.

 

**Present**

“You never told me who it was.”

“Who are you talking about?”

“The person you kissed.”

Mike feels his heart growing heavy and cold, feeling blindsided by the question. He closes his eyes briefly.

“It was nobody.”

“It wasn’t nobody when you kissed them.” 

To Mike’s surprise Harvey’s sentence comes out less accusing than what Mike is used to whenever the topic comes up. Instead, Harvey sounds … almost subdued and it nearly breaks Mike’s heart because that’s not a word he associates with Harvey Specter. Mike thinks he’d prefer the angry alternative.

“It was nobody  _ to me _ , Harvey. I already told you how much I regret it, please don’t think-“

“I know, Mike. I know.”

Harvey picks up another forkful of his salad and Mike doesn’t know what to say. The air around them is heavy in tension, buzzing under his skin. There’s still some food left on Mike’s plate but he’s not hungry anymore.

“Sorry,” Harvey says then, “shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“It’s fine.”

 

**Present**

They go out for dinner with their friends and Harvey’s mood better than it’s been in a long time. That in return makes Mike smile and grin and laugh more than he has in a very long time and by the end of the night his cheeks actually start hurting. Despite the great company, the fact that Harvey barely ever moved his arm from its place around the back of Mike’s chair all night is the biggest contributor to the ache in Mike’s face.

 

**Present**

“You can’t make it to the next session? Seriously.”

“I see your ears are in full working order.”

“You can’t be serious, Harvey!”

“It’s just one goddamn session, Mike, I haven’t missed-“

“It’s not about the session it’s about how one of the things we need to work out is our working schedule-“

“I can’t just quit working! It’s something we would have to deal with anyway-“

“But at this point we should be able to-“

“-both of us have always worked. Hell, we  _ got together _ because of work-“

“-and it’s something that’s pushing us apart, Harvey! I’m not saying you can’t work at all-“

“That’s exactly what you’re saying! You want me to-“

“It’s only a client dinner, it’s not even actual work-“

“Oh, come off it, Mike, you know as well as I do that it’s as much work as any other meeting-“

“But it’s not required of you! You could skip it if you wanted to-“

“-show up, make small talk, settle business with people who are then in a good mood because of good food and dr-”

“-counselling sessions  _ are _ required for us! It's a matter of priority. Walking away from the session for work is basically like walking away from  _ me _ and  _ us _ for wor-”

“I expected you to go there with me when I agreed to go! Besides, we’re not going to completely crumble because we missed one fucking session, Mike. It’s hardly-“

“-and it’s so important that we go and talk things through! Summers also said that one of our problems was  _ this _ , was us not-“

“-sessions are every goddamn week, I’ll be there next week and the weeks after. They’re not a once in a lifetime event-“

“Neither is your goddamn dinner!”

“It’s a business matter, Mike, and I know you-“

“The sessions are a matter of our marriage!”

“I’m not doing this,” Harvey says after a beat, throwing the invitation in his hands on the floor, turning to leave the living room. 

“Yes, that's it.  _ Walk away _ , Harvey.”

Mike’s words make Harvey turn back around. He raises his chin, readying himself for even more shouting, but Mike thinks he hears Harvey growl instead. The lines on Harvey’s face are drawn in anger, his steps fast and heavy on the hardwood floor, and before Mike understands why or how he feels Harvey’s lips press against Mike’s own. 

The kiss is clumsier than it should be after three years of marriage and three years of dating but it’s a kiss nonetheless so Mike doesn’t dare and question it. Not now.

One of Harvey’s hands grips the back of Mike’s neck, the other one wraps around Mike’s hip and pulls him closer.

It seems surreal that this is really happening. It would be much more plausible if it was a hyper-realistic dream but Mike  _ knows _ it’s not, and the knowledge makes his stomach flip and his heart jump. Mike can’t keep his hands still, trying to touch as much of Harvey as possible, touch all the parts Harvey denied him all this time. To get to have it again is a thrill that shoots through Mike’s chest like lightning.

Mike feels like his bones are shaking, his blood rushing through him and pulsing under his skin in time with his accelerated heartbeat. It feels like the physical connection between them is washing away every argument, every problem and every day spent apart. Mike feels high on the rush of blood and the loud pumping of his heart. 

Despite the fact that his own body is already doing a pretty good job of not giving him much oxygen to work with, Mike feels like Harvey’s only goal is to rob Mike of all air. He grips the side of Mike’s neck with a soft hand, exploring Mike’s mouth, before twinning their tongues together. Mike feels the slight scratching of the beginning of Harvey’s stubble rub against his skin and he almost hopes he’s going to get beard burn not because he likes it but because it’s been so long since the last time. 

Slipping his hand under Mike’s t-shirt, Harvey deepens their kiss and goosebumps erupt under Harvey’s touch. Mike shivers.

Harvey starts walking them backwards and Mike lets him take the lead. It only takes a couple of steps until Mike’s back collides with the wall. It’s a rather painful collision but Mike can’t bring himself to care when he feels Harvey’s fingers in his hair a second later. Harvey presses him against the wall, his entire body pressing against Mike. Lungs burning, Mike breaks the kiss and Harvey doesn’t waste any time placing kisses along the line of Mike’s jaw.

For the first time in a long time, Mike feels like Harvey is  _ there _ , all around him, close and real.  _ Finally finally finally _ .

 

**Present**

The fact that Mike wakes up in the master bedroom of their home for the first time in months is only a small consolation considering the fact Mike wakes up alone. When Mike stretches his hand out to Harvey’s side of the bed, there’s lingering warmth still there and Mike is glad for the physical reminder that Harvey did sleep here last night. Despite perfect recall it feels like a pipe dream.

Mike’s muscles feel sorer than he anticipates when he sits up and gets out of bed. It’s a pleasant ache that reminds him of countless weekends past. He walks to his side of the closet and grabs a sweater and some sweatpants and puts them on.

It’s early, almost too early. Mike doesn’t know when the both of them finally fell asleep last night, Mike’s head resting on Harvey’s chest, Harvey’s arm wrapped around him, but it can’t have been more than a handful of hours. It’s still dark outside. Mike guesses it’s no later than seven in the morning. They had missed Harvey’s work dinner as well as their therapy session but Mike really can’t say he regrets skipping out on either for the result of last night.

Harvey is in neither bathroom nor guest room, office, or the kitchen. Mike is frustrated by the time he walks over to the dining table, wondering if Harvey had gone out somewhere and at the same time fearing that last night had been some sort of goodbye. What if it was some last moment between the two of them before he packed up and left for good? Mike had thought it had been just the opposite, the way it had felt, the way Harvey had looked at him, the way he’d touched him.

Mike presses his eyes closed and shakes his head. He is about to go back to the bedroom to search for his phone when he feels a blast of cold air enter the room and the balcony door swings further open. He can’t believe he didn’t check the balcony after the last time he was surprised to find Harvey there but once again, there Harvey is standing outside, his forearms leaning against the railing and looking out onto the city. 

When Mike steps outside, he sees what exactly Harvey is looking at. The sky is starting to brighten up on the horizon, black turning into blue turning into orange. Harvey doesn’t move when Mike stops next to him and leans his hip against the railing opting to watch Harvey instead of the sunrise. The wind picks up around them, bitterly cold and ruthless but Mike pushes the feeling aside as best as he can.

Harvey looks over at Mike, his expression blank but his eyes intense, shifting his weight to the other leg. The look isn’t enough for Mike to really tell what’s going on inside Harvey’s head so he tries to keep calm and be patient. Harvey is still here and it’s where Mike chooses to put his focus, watching the fresh beams of sunlight wash over Harvey’s face.

If this had been half a year ago Mike would have already kissed Harvey, huddled close to him in an effort to share body heat against the wheezing wind. He might have even enjoyed the private moment despite his absolute distaste for the cold seasons. Alas, it’s not half a year ago and in that moment the distance between them feels suffocating.

Suddenly there are words coming out of Mike’s mouth before he can stop them.

“It’s killing me, Harvey. Having you so close but still feeling like you’re miles away. I just – I want us to work again. More than anything.”

Harvey doesn’t give any indication that he heard Mike other than his eyebrows drawing together. He continues to look out at the sky, unmoving and silent. Mike can’t decide if Harvey’s lack of answer is a good thing or a bad thing but when he sees the muscles of Harvey’s jaw twitch under his skin, Mike can tell that Harvey is deep in thought. Mike waits because he’s tired of feeling unsure next to Harvey and he’s pretty sure he deserves an answer at least.

“I don’t want to kill you, Mike.”

Harvey looks back at him and straightens his back. The tension eases from Mike’s chest, his heart jolts and he feels a prickling at the back of his throat. He smiles, unrestrained but a little trembling, and Harvey stares at it for a second before turning his head to look back at the sunrise. Faced with Harvey’s profile, Mike thinks he can spot an actual hickey on the sensitive spot below Harvey’s ear and it makes his chest grow warm.

“Are you-?“ The rest of the question gets stuck in Mike’s throat, unable to pass through the lump building despite Mike’s best efforts to swallow it away. 

Turning his gaze back towards Mike, Harvey’s eyes are still intense but there’s something in his face that lets Mike breathe a little easier, relief surging through him.

Their lips meet, softly, carefully and Mike grips the back of Harvey’s head firmly because he needs this and he’s needed this for a while and finally, finally, Harvey is giving it to him. It doesn’t take longer than a second for the kiss to turn sure and demanding, and it takes Mike’s breath away.

They are going to be okay, Mike thinks. They’re going to be okay.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh I can't believe it's over. A thousand thanks to Ashley for betaing and always listening to me talking about this fic! And of course thanks to every single one of you who commented and left kudos I really appreciated it :)  
> Come say hi at [caputdraconis.tumblr.com](http://caputdraconis.tumblr.com) if you want! Other thank that I'll see you next time for a fake dating fic ;)

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!! find me at [caputdraconis.tumblr.com](http://caputdraconis.tumblr.com) *peace sign emoji*


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